Grappling with grief: New nonprofit helps parents who've lost a child

When a parent loses a child, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome is the notion that enjoying life, or even smiling, somehow dishonors the lost child.

A year-old program called Cry For MeNo More was created to help bereaved parents overcome that idea and to help them deal with the loss and move forward.

"Getting them to believe that they can and will be happy and that their child would want that is what we do," says Cry For Me president and co-founder Teresita Fawcett. "Getting them to look at it that it's OK to have a life and be happy and it is not dishonoring their child is the biggest thing."

Deana Martin-Owens, co-founder of the nonprofit new program, says there are numerous support groups and programs for children who've lost a parent, but far fewer for parents who've lost children.

Fawcett and Martin-Owens are both grief recovery specialists certified by the Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation (GRIEF) in California; Fawcett also has a master's in public policy and Martin-Owens has a degree in health care management.

Online

* Cry For Me…No More: cryformenomore.com

Local grief support groups

GriefShare: griefshare.org/groups/57166* Sundays 5-6:30 p.m. Life Spring Baptist Church, 1701 Hickory Valley Road. 423-314-3017* Tuesdays 11-11:30 a.m. Broad Street United Methodist Church, 155 Central Ave. NW, Cleveland, Tenn. 423-476-5586* Wednesdays 9-11 a.m. First Baptist Church, 1275 Stuart Road NE, Cleveland, Tenn. 423-709-9100Compassionate Friends: compassionatefriends.orgOffers a list of many other support groups and links to support materials and an Online Support Community.

And both know the tragedy of suddenly losing a loved one. Martin-Owens, who lives in Gainesville, Ga., lost her daughter, 25, and son, 21, to a car accident in 2011. Both were traveling to the funeral of their stepmother when they were killed. Fawcett, who lives in West Virginia, lost her fiancé to a drunk driver several years ago.

Martin-Owens says there is a misconception among people who have not lost a child that the bereaved should, or will, eventually "get over it" or that the grieving parent should "let it go."

"We never ask someone to let go. You never get over it," she says. "We try to teach them that you can, however, move forward and that your child can still be a big part of your life."

There are dozens of grief-support groups around the country and world that cater to parents, siblings, children and spouses; many are faith-based, but Cry For Me is not affiliated with any religion.

GriefShare, for instance, is a Christian-based group that meets in the Chattanooga area and offers 13-week programs for the grieving. Several churches in the area offer one session per year, including Life Spring Baptist Church on Hickory Valley Road in Hixson.

"It is a program where you can go through three times [in consecutive years]," says Nancy Ezell, who coordinates the GriefShare program at Life Spring, "but each time at a different level of your grieving."

Most who attend come within the first year of losing a loved one, she says, although occasionally someone comes in the first month after the death, "but usually they are not ready at that point."

And some take years to get ready.

"We did have one lady come whose son had committed suicide 19 years previously," Ezell says. "She hadn't grieved yet."

Through their work with Woman Within International, a self-empowerment orginization, Martin-Owens and Fawcett knew each other and Martin-Owens often shared what she was going through with Fawcett, who two years ago was designing a grief-counseling program for families of soldiers killed in a Black Hawk helicopter training session.

Fawcett asked Martin-Owens to help with the seminar, which was presented in Pennsylvania for the military families. Afterwards, the two decided other parents and families could benefit from the program.

"What I saw that weekend was nothing short of miraculous," Martin-Owens says."People came in on Friday evening broken and lost with not a clue on how to carry on with their lives. Within 48 hours, their entire body language had changed. They were laughing and bonding and they had hope again."

Fawcett and Martin-Owens have spent the last year setting up Cry for MeNo More and presenting the programs around the country, so far in West Virginia, Georgia and Illinois. The next one is set for Jan. 15-17, 2016, in Toccoa, Ga., though they can do one sooner if a church, business or community asks. Total cost to facilitate the program for a weekend is around $10,000, or between $500-$700 per attendee. That can be offset through donations or by churches or community groups who help cover things like venue rental and meals.

Martin-Owens said she and Fawcett have not been paid for their work, nor have the other facilitators or staff who've worked one of the weekends.

Friday, the first evening, is spent essentially gathering the parents in a group and having them talk about what they are going through. It's a time when everyone gets on the same page regarding things like defining grief and what each is likely experiencing. It's also a moment when many parents realize they are not alone or crazy for feeling the things they do.

Saturdays are spent in one-on-one sessions and on Sundays the parents are asked to introduce the group as a whole to their lost child.

"This comes from a place of joy," Fawcett says. "There is a lot of storytelling and laughing."

Martin-Owens says any grieving parent who has lost a child can attend, whether the loss occurred recently or decades ago.

"If we had our wish, people would come to us probably around the one-year mark," she says. "The first year, you will be in shock and may not retain as much. We've had people come 10 or 20 years out, though."

Fawcett says parents who lost a child years ago don't always "believe they will get anything out of this, but we find that the people many years out have been to support groups and have told their story over and over, but they haven't really gone deep, and there is still that part of them that is dead. They just don't acknowledge it.

"We've developed an exercise designed to go a little deeper and they realize there is a part that needs to be healed. We encourage them to celebrate that child's life."

Part of their mission is also to remove the stigma surrounding parents who've lost a child. Friends and colleagues often worry that talking to a grieving parent about the lost child causes pain, so they rarely do, acting as if the child never lived, Fawcett says, which often does more harm.

"People will shun parents who have lost a child," she says. "My advice is that just sitting with the person and letting them talk is an amazing gift.

"You are not going to open a wound because it is not closed. Getting to talk about that child is the greatest gift. If you can, share a memory of that [deceased] person. A happy memory, not a deep, dark moment from the day he died."

Fawcett and Martin-Owens are also developing programs to help businesses with employees who've lost a child. Such programs are designed to help management better understand what the employee is going through and what he or she needs.

Contact Barry Courter at bcourter@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6354.

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