Jeanne PhillipsDEAR READERS: On May 5, I printed a letter from a parent, "Against the Tide in New Jersey." He said his "independent, intelligent, loving" daughters (in their late 20s) have dated their boyfriends for five years and had recently moved in with them. The man also said he and his wife approve of the young men. One daughter is planning an open house and has invited her parents, who refuse to attend because cohabitation is against their beliefs. He said he and his wife "understand her decision," but their daughter doesn't appear to respect theirs. He asked, "Are we wrong?" I responded yes, because it's no longer unusual for couples to cohabit before marriage. I asked how long they plan to continue punishing the daughter and said I don't think they have anything to gain by doing so. Thousands of angry readers wrote. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Cohabitation is not a substitute for matrimony. I realize it is "not unusual for couples to live together." However, you must certainly be aware that many religious people regard doing so as a sin. Should parents compromise their beliefs to attend, simply because their daughter's relationship is "progressing nicely"? How can standing up for their beliefs be "punishing" their daughter and her live-in? I wish you would address this again. - DIANNE IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS
DEAR DIANNE: I try to deal with things as they are, and not as some people think they ought to be. Today many couples live together before marriage. Some are trying to avoid the unhappiness they saw in their parents' marriages. Others realize that you don't really know someone until you have lived together. Divorce is messy, and expensive, and they want to avoid the pain if possible.
Parents should choose their battles carefully after their children become adults. What these parents are doing may eventually isolate them from their daughters. Acting as they are, there may be other happy occasions they'll be skipping. This one is just the first.
DEAR ABBY: If the letter writer and his wife accept an invitation to someone's house, do they check first to make sure their hosts share their "values," that they vote the same way, are against gay marriage, have the same religious beliefs? If they don't take that same care with everyone they know, they are being unfair to their daughters.
For five years they were apparently comfortable with the daughters living at home or in their own apartments and having sex with their boyfriends on the sly. Now that the young women are honestly acknowledging the sexual relationship and formalizing it by living together openly, suddenly there's a problem. There's a stench of hypocrisy here. - ONLINE READER
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.