I took my first government handout last week.
It was a $5 bill, and it arrived loose in the mail along with a questionnaire called the National Survey of Children's Health.
Apparently it has come to this: The government has to offer people small bribes to fill out surveys. I felt a little guilty, but what the heck, I kept the fiver. It's an especially sweet deal for people without children, who can answer "no" on the first question, skip the rest and enjoy a free meal at McDonald's.
Mark KennedyI'm not one of those who refuse to answer the census on privacy grounds. The way I look at it, people entrusted with trillions of our tax dollars could use a little more objective information to work with. A cover letter with the questionnaire says the government needs this to help educators, researchers, policymakers, child advocates and the general public better understand and respond to the health-care needs of children and families.
Whatever.
As I answered the questionnaire by checking a few boxes, I realized that I really wanted to give the government more information, not less.
My favorite part of the survey is that you don't have to give your kids' real names, but can substitute "initials or nickname" if you so choose. I chose the nickname route, and hereafter my boys will be known to the Feds by the Seuss-ian handles "Bobadoo 1" and "Bobadoo 2."
Here are the expanded answers I wanted to give.
Child I: "Bobadoo 1"
What is the child's race? White. Very white. In fact pale, except in the summer when he turns florid pink. If his skin tone was a paint color it would be called Neapolitan because he changes, depending on the season, from vanilla to strawberry to chocolate.
I do, however, thank the government for including "Guamanian" in the multiple choice answers for this question, which I assume is what Uncle Sam calls people from Guam. I like this word because it reminds me of my made-up word for people from Dunlap, Tenn. - Dunlapino.
How old is this child in years? Clarify, please. Years, as opposed to what? Tree rings? OK, 13.
How well does this child speak English? Until he was 6 years old he called a fire hydrant a fydrant hydrant. He also used to call Blockbuster video stores Blockmustards. He still says "cam" for "came" for reasons that are unclear to his mother and me. So how well does he speak English? Haltingly.
What is the primary language spoken? He's 13. Is "grunting" considered a language? Seriously, he speaks English. But if the government would like to send us a tutor to help with his Spanish homework, it would be much appreciated.
Is this child limited in his or her ability to do things most children of the same age can do? Yes. He can't spell his way out of a paper sack. Why is this? In my view because the public education system pushes foreign language studies, but makes English spelling optional in the early grades. Consequently, we have a lot of young adults who are fluent in Spanish but can't spell "taco."
Child II: "Bobadoo II"
What is this child's race? I think he is going to be a good miler, but maybe the 800 meter.
How old is this child in years? Eight. But in some ways he's an old man locked in a little boy's body. Don't believe me? He suffers from insomnia and enjoys planting ferns.
At the end of the survey, you are asked to sign your name or a "nickname."
I signed it: "Buff Daddy."
Peace. Out.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.