This is the second column in a series about pornography and its impact on marriages, families and communities.
Last week's column dealt with how pornography impacts the brain. Research says it's more addictive than cocaine and a habit harder to break than heroin.
Julie BaumgardnerThe U.S. Justice Department believes that nine out of 10 children between 8 and 16 years old have been exposed to porn online. The porn industry preys on young people, understanding the brain's power and the challenges of forgetting these images once they have been seen.
Many men understand that porn is costing them all they have - in many instances their career and their marriage - but they can't quit. One man told his counselor he spent $75,000 in one month viewing porn.
Laurie Hall, author of "An Affair of the Mind," found herself married to a porn addict. Like many others, she asked herself a million times, "What did I miss? How could I be so stupid? What is wrong with me?
"I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on it," says Hall. "My husband was respected in the community, very intelligent and a hard worker."
Their marriage did not survive. Now Hall educates others about the impact of pornography.
"The idea that porn is victimless is a cruel joke," Hall says. "Forty percent of professional men who are involved with pornography are going to lose their jobs due to their involvement with porn.
"When you are engaged in fantasy, you lose your ability to connect between action and reaction. You no longer follow cause and effect. The more you fantasize, the more you become disconnected from what I call common sense. It affects your business judgment and it affects your ability to interact properly with other employees. It affects your ability to be intimate with your wife. The reality is most people don't realize how pornography reaches out and grabs people. "
While anyone can struggle with porn addiction, the overwhelming majority of porn users are men. These questions can help you identify red flags indicating involvement in this highly addictive activity:
* Is his body language open and does he respond appropriately to questions? Does your husband look you in the eyes when speaking?
* One lie often leads to another. Simple questions may get very complicated answers or different answers than the day before.
* Does your spouse have appropriate boundaries or does he seem to live in constant drama and chaos? He may ask you to do strange things like videotape or take pictures of yourself getting out of the shower or at intimate moments.
* Does your spouse excessively use inappropriate sexual humor and innuendos in conversation?
* Is your spouse preoccupied with sexual behaviors or constantly wanting to push the boundaries and experiment sexually in questionable ways?
* Does he exhibit inappropriate anger that appears to come from nowhere? For example, if you ask him about household cash flow or what time he will be home, he explodes.
* Has he lost interest in you sexually or has his demand for sexual activity increased, but he is obviously not engaged emotionally during sex? Sex at this point is not about intimacy, but about control, power and what he can get you to do.
* Do you seem to constantly have money problems regardless of how much money comes in?
If you or someone you love is struggling with a pornography addiction, next week's column will provide resources for the battle.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.