Although it has been many years ago, Deanna Brann, clinical psychologist and author of "Reluctantly Related," has no problem recalling "The Thanksgiving from Hell."
It was the first Thanksgiving she and her husband spent with her son, new daughter-in-law and granddaughters. Although looking forward to seeing them, Deanna was quite uneasy. Her daughter-in-law was apprehensive, too. The stress and tension on both sides caused a huge explosion - thus the reason that particular holiday was dubbed as hellish by both Brann and her daughter-in-law.
There have probably already been a few interesting discussions regarding this year's holiday gatherings with the in-laws. While a first holiday together can be awkward for everybody, there could also be stress due to annual pressure from both sides of the family to be present for the celebrations because: "It just won't be the same if you aren't here." Yet trying to please everyone can make for a miserable holiday season.
If you are the in-laws, remember what holidays were like when you were newlyweds or raising children. What would happen if you backed off on the pressure to be at your home on a certain day? Everybody might enjoy celebrating the holidays more when there is some room for flexibility.
For couples trying to navigate the holidays with in-laws, Brann offers tips to help you create great memories instead of misery.
' Have realistic expectations: Hope for the best, but be realistic. Families are families and they are going to act how they act.
' Don't take it personally: These typically stressful times and tension can cause behavior to be exaggerated. Remember that your in-laws' indiscretions are more about them than they are about you. It is unlikely that your mother-in-law is intentionally trying to get on your nerves. Keeping this in mind can help keep the peace.
' Be a team player: Remember, you really aren't on opposing teams. Different opinions about certain aspects of the holiday are OK. Find ways to share the workload. Plan fun outings that can help keep people out of trouble.
' Hunt for humor: Finding humor in situations can help maintain your sanity by helping you create enough emotional distance so you won't take people's words and actions so personally. Plus, you'll have some great stories to tell your friends.
' It's just one day: Anyone can make it through one day of just about anything. Knowing that there is an end to the evening - and that soon you'll be seeing their taillights (or you'll be buckling your seatbelt) - can make all the difference. And if you've traveled and are spending the night, you can close the guestroom door soon enough.
' Plan your exit strategy in advance: Visiting couples should agree beforehand how long to stay - and then be sure to leave at the pre-determined time. Long-distance travelers might consider getting a hotel room or staying elsewhere in order to reduce stress levels.
Don't let others rob you of your joy. A little advance planning along with a good attitude can make for a pleasant holiday season.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.