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All I really need to know I learned from "Gilligan's Island," the 1960s sitcom about seven people stranded on a deserted island.
Cherish your friends, make do with what you have and never take a three-hour ocean cruise on a boat run by guys in funny hats.
For millions of final-wave baby boomers and Gen-Xers, Gilligan (played by late actor Bob Denver) and the other island castaways were our after-school companions.
While the program's prime-time run on network television spanned just three years in the mid-1960s, it has lived in syndication for 50 years. "Gilligan's Island" was in particularly heavy rotation during the "basic cable" years in the 1970s and 1980s, when a lot of today's mid-lifers came of age as latch-key kids.
For many males of my generation, Mary Ann (a farm girl played by Dawn Wells) was our first TV crush, the Professor (a scientist played by the late Russell Johnson) was our generation's Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Thurston Howell III (played by the late Jim Backus) was our bombastic rich guy, a lot like Donald J. Trump.
My youngest son, age 9, had a brief flirtation with "Gilligan's Island" reruns last year, but we somehow forgot the time and channel and - like a message in a bottle - the show drifted back into the murky depths of 600 channels.
Looking back, it's amazing how much of "Gilligan's Island" lives on in 2016 television. Many of today's reality-TV staples have plot parallels, if not actual roots, in "Gilligan." TBS even experimented briefly with a show in the mid-aughts called "The Real Gilligan's Island," which was a hybrid of a "Survivor"-style elimination show and the old sitcom. It died after two seasons.
Still, it's fun to imagine who would have won if the original "Gilligan's Island" had been a vote-'em-off reality show. My money would have been on Mary Ann, who would have been a loyal ally until she ripped somebody's heart out with a blindside vote at tribal council.
Could it be that some of today's television producers are channeling their inner 70's-kid? I'm betting the answer is yes.
To wit:
* "Survivor" (CBS): It's hard to imagine the durable CBS reality show flourishing in a culture that was not weaned on "Gilligan's Island."
* "America's Got Talent" (NBC): I had to go to YouTube to find a clip of the "Gilligan's Island" talent contest, which was part of the Miss Castaway pageant. Mary Ann tap-danced into a puddle of glue; Ms. Howell (played by the late Natalie Schafer) gave a dramatic recitation of Longfellow's poem "Paul Revere's Ride"; Ginger sang a sultry version of "Let Me Entertain You." This begat "America's Got Talent," which gives us dudes juggling stun guns.
* "Cupcake Wars" (Food Network): One of my favorite Food Network reality shows, the contestants are often thrown a curve ball by being asked to cook with a mystery ingredient. For instance, they might be asked to make cupcakes incorporating cubes of Spam.
Did you ever notice how well-fed the "Gilligan's Island" castaways looked after three years on the island? The Skipper (played by the late Alan Hale, Jr.) shed none of his gut and Ginger (Tina Louise) lost none of her curves, despite the obvious dearth of groceries. Yet the whole gang lived on duck eggs, berries and coconut milk.
* "The Bachelor" (ABC): The ultra-successful "Bachelor" franchise thrives by pitting a bunch of dramatic glamour girls against a tribe of feisty girl-next-door types. Men of my generation will recognize this as the classic Ginger-vs.-Mary Ann conundrum. That debate is ongoing after 50 years.
One of my favorite bits of dialog from "Gilligan's Island" was this exchange:
Skipper: "Ginger, I've got a problem I've got a real problem. Now, you're a girl, right?"
Ginger: "Well, if you're not sure about that, you HAVE got a problem!"
Amen, sister.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.