LISA DENTON: OK, Barry, the Fourth of July is almost here. You ready? What all do you need - pool float, wieners, bottle rockets?
BARRY COURTER: I'm looking to get some lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das or crap flappers, and if I can't find those, I'll look for some whistlin' bungholes, spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser. That's been my shopping list ever since Joe Dirt recommended them.
LISA: Yes, I'd say that's the definitive list - not to mention a beautiful bit of script writing. I don't know if those are actual fireworks, but I'm hoping they are.
Maybe you should try out the video I saw the other day where some guys made a Redneck Rocket Launcher (http://knue.com/the-redneck-bottle-rocket-launcher-screams-america-for-fourth-of-july/). They took the gate of a chain-link fence, rigged a fuse through it and then stuffed each opening in the chain link with handfuls of bottle rockets - 8,500 in all. Then they lit the whole shebang - bang being the operative syllable.
You gotta love hillbilly rocket scientists.
BARRY: I'm pretty sure it was a hillbilly scientist who first asked his buddy to "hold my beer." And I'd wager some foldin' money there were fireworks involved that first time the words were uttered.
LISA: I wouldn't bet against you on that.
People who'd rather leave pyrotechnics to the professionals can see fireworks Monday night at Lake Winnepesaukah and Tuesday night at Camp Columbus in Hixson, Veterans Park in Collegedale, Barnhardt Circle in Fort Oglethorpe and at Coolidge Park in Chattanooga when the Chattanooga Symphony & Opera finishes the Pops on the River concert.
Then Wednesday night, there's a whole mess of 'em all around the region.
BARRY: Our colleague Susan Pierce put together the definitive list in Thursday's ChattanoogaNow. She also compiled a good list of regional celebrations.
LISA: She's a giver, that Ms. Pierce.
BARRY: A blessing, some might say. She covers the area from Athens to Trenton, and there are all kinds of things to do. Eight pages worth to be exact. And it's "Red, White & Blueberries" at the Chattanooga Market on Sunday. If it can be made from blueberries, they likely have it from candles to pies. I love a good blueberry.
LISA: I also love a good blueberry joke. So
What did the cherry say to the blueberry?
Breathe.
Get event details every Thursday in ChattanoogaNow or online anytime at www.ChattanoogaNow.com.
Contact Lisa Denton at ldenton@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6281. Contact Barry Courter at bcourter@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6354.