Laugh Lines

Laugh Lines

June 29th, 2012 by Lisa Denton in Local Regional News

Anchors aweigh

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

Choppers and pilots

The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decides that he will personally intervene in recruiting. As he and his staff welcome potential new recruits to the base, twin brothers who look like they have just stepped off an Armed Forces recruiting poster walk up. The chief of staff sticks out his hand and introduces himself.

He looks at the first young man and asks, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "Sir, I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything. Do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general turns to the second young man and asks, "What skills do you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers. This is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general. "He's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Bad dads

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It was my dad who killed it!"

Up to a point

At bedtime, a boy asks his grandfather, "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"

"I was, grandson, but only until I fell asleep."

Take a shot

The company commander was dismayed as he watched a private's firing exercise.

Embarrassed by his poor showing, the private said, "Sir, it makes me want to commit suicide. I should just shoot myself."

The commander answered, "Shoot yourself? I'm not sure we have enough cartridges."

Story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got 10 live chicks. And the moral to this story is: Don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam, and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash-land in enemy territory, and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

"He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed 70 of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke, and then he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.