Evil dictator-in-training Kim Jong-un was running a little short of cash and attention last week, so he announced plans to nuke the United States. The 30-year-old Lil' Kim inherited his evil dictating business from his dad, Kim Jong-il, who got it from his dad, Kim Il-Sung, who acquired North Korea in a hostile takeover in 1948.
Kim Il-Sung was People's Republic Magazine's "sexiest man alive" from 1948 until his death in 1994. I think Tom Selleck won the title in 1995 until Kim Jong-il solidified his power the next year. Two years ago Kim Jong-il picked his third son, Kim Jong-un, to run the evil empire upon his death, bypassing older brothers Kim Jong-Tito and Kim Jong-Jermaine.
Kim Jong-un, who cuts his own hair due to his renowned fear of barbers, is much like his father; he likes the cognac and the ladies. Un did take a bride last year (probably literally). She is a pretty lady; I think her name is Kim Kardashi-Un.
There is confusion regarding the spelling of the dear leader's name. Apparently it was originally spelled Kim Jun-woon. Perhaps he is from the Woon Tang clan. We have the same issue with Osama bin Laden's name, often spelled "Usama." Then the name of another dearly departed leader, Gaddafi, is often spelled "Kaddafi" or "Qaddafi." And Saddam Hussein's name was often spelled "Sad dam," "Sadam" or "Sodom." I propose that we at least know how to spell the name of a man whose country we intend to invade or whom we plan to kill. A little homework might save us a lot of money.
Like that of many despots, the young Un's bombastic bravado could lead us to war. I fear that someone will miscalculate crazy, like the presumptions about Saddam Hussein that triggered an unnecessary war of occupation. We will end up having to take a Labor Day weekend to light up North Korea like my Uncle Mac at a family reunion.
We have deployed guided missile destroyer USS John McCain to Korea. The ship took a while to get there because of numerous restroom stops enroute.
Kim blustered that he would use his high-tech missiles, which he said could reach Los Angeles, to obliterate the U.S. If he tries to launch, be sure you evacuate the danger zone: the two-mile-square area in Pyongyang where debris from his ill-fated missile blast will land. Hopefully Un will be nearby watching through his binoculars. Problem solved.
Obama is right to ratchet down this crisis, despite North Korea mobilizing its midget submarines. His issue is not with potential submarine attacks, but he is willing to use military power against politically incorrect speech if he keeps hearing the word "midget." Obama won't get involved unless additional Democrat voters can subsequently be registered. Republicans will not want to invade until either oil reserves are found in Korea or it looks like gay marriage might be legalized there.
Kim Jong-un seems to be toning it down; instead of releasing 20 photos of him looking through binoculars at something military, he replaced two of them with him inspecting a milk plant.
Our own dear leader will, of course, take credit whenever possible. He came close to calling a news conference claiming he gave the "go ahead" order for the congestive heart attack that killed Kim Jong-Il. Much like the government-controlled media of North Korea, our own media will say anything Obama wants.
Kim Jong-un is taking a well-worn path of saber rattling, until the U.S., through some political back channel, pays him to buy the loyalty of his generals. Since Hillary hung up her pantsuit and John Kerry took her role, Kim is probably just trying to renegotiate his contract.
Our big trading partners in the region are our best allies in this potential conflict. If we go to war, we should follow Japan or China's lead. At least they can tell the Koreans apart.
Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist, award-winning author and TV/radio commentator. Email Ron@RonaldHart.com or visit www.RonaldHart.com