Mark KennedyDear Son,
It seems like yesterday that you were a wisp of a boy, hiding behind my legs at pre-school and calling me "Gaggy."
How is it possible that you turned 13 years old last week?
You are on the doorstep of manhood: athletic, smart, handsome, vulnerable.
I can already feel you entering the long, lonely tunnel of adolescence. Your mother and I love you deeply, and we'll be waiting for you on the other side. Actually, we'll be right behind you the whole way, but you might not notice.
There's so much for you to learn before life grabs you by the collar.
I'm going to cut out this column, fold it and hide it in your billfold. If you're like me, you'll clean out your wallet once a decade, which means you'll discover this at about the time you graduate from college.
So, here goes:
• Read like your life depends on it, because it might. There is almost no problem that you can't bayonet your way out of with a sharp mind and a book.
• Be slow to anger and quick to volunteer.
• Talk to girls, develop a reputation for kindness, and romance will take care of itself. (Son, all the sweet girls in the world are members of a big club dedicated to taking care of shy, kind-hearted boys. It's their nature. Trust me.)
• Always own a dog and attend church, and your life will be 100 percent better.
• Pick a football team and be loyal. (If, however, you become a Dallas Cowboys fan because of some gene passed down by your mother's side of the family, don't bother coming home for Thanksgiving.)
• Save 15 percent of your paychecks and relax about money.
• Buy three-year-old cars and keep them for seven years. If you ever find yourself thinking about trading cars because you need new tires, find a mirror and have a stern talk with yourself.
• Put the newest tires on the back wheels.
• Take care of your little brother and one day he might take care of you. (Letting him climb into bed with you when he's scared of the dark, like you did last week, is an excellent start.)
• Remember, shyness can be an asset. Extroverts tend to step on their tongues, while quiet professionals run the world.
• Don't peak in high school. Being popular as a teen is a lousy predictor of adult happiness.
• Always vote. Consider it a duty to all your family members who've gone to war.
• Floss. Brush. Rinse.
• Decide now to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you'll make before you turn 30.
• If you're happy, give thanks -- especially if you expect God to listen when things fall apart.
• If you ever find yourself buying pants with a 40-inch waist, diet. Remember, there is a high correlation between exercise and happiness. So embrace the burn.
• Don't scrimp on mattresses or shoes.
• Learn to love Pop Tarts and pinto beans. And then, as God is my witness, you'll never be hungry again!
• When you are feeling blue, take comfort in small rituals. Make your bed and shave on your very worst days.
• If, as a young adult, you ever feel yourself getting addicted to anything stronger than fresh air, re-evaluate.
• When you get your heart broken by a girl, please remember the item about owning a dog and going to church.
• Always start things with the end in mind. People who set goals are a thousand times more likely to get what they want.
• Don't worry, your skin will clear up.
• Also, never forget that when one door closes -- well, it's bad. It creates a vacuum that sucks all the other doors in the house shut and wakes up the baby.
• Don't get wrapped up in politics. Save up your outrage for people who are cruel to the weak.
• Know how to grill a steak, change a tire and tie a necktie. Any young man who can't do these three things is unfinished.
• Remember, if you can sell things, you'll always find work.
• Know that in life, making eye contact and earning an advanced degree are equal assets.
• If you truly want to understand Mom and Dad, have kids of your own some day.
• Know that, until you take your last breath on earth, Mom and Dad will love you. And then, when your time comes, we'll be waiting for you on the other side of the tunnel.
With your dog -- and some friends from church.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.