Mark KennedyThe wage-earner's lament "I've got mouths to feed" is a bit of a stretch in modern suburbia. Most middle-income folks manage to feed their families without too much trouble.
According to government reports, the average family in the United States spends less than 7 percent of its annual household income on food -- that's less than any other country in the world. Meanwhile, in some countries with less farmland and more densely-packed populations -- think Pakistan -- the cost of food approaches 50 percent of take-home pay.
All this food abundance goes out the window, however, if you are rearing growing boys.
Our two sons, ages 8 and 13, can eat through a sack of groceries like two bears in a dumpster full of dumplings. Case in point: I bought three boxes of doughnuts -- glazed, powdered and chocolate -- last Sunday afternoon, and by Monday night all that was left was one half-eaten Krispy Kreme.
That's like 1 million calories.
Meanwhile, Popsicles disappear by the box, and our older son considers a half-gallon of Mayfield chocolate ice cream to be a single serving. A bag of Cheese Puffs as big as a queen-size bed pillow is a bedtime snack. A single Pop Tart is considered about as satiating as a Chiclet. That's partly because the edges must be cut off so as not to offend the boys' refined palates. (When I was their age, I used to eat margarine and sugar sandwiches.)
Besides cutting the edges off breakfast pastries, the boys have several other food quirks. For example, chocolate milk must be cut with 20 percent skim milk to dampen the chocolate taste. Divided plates are also preferred because food-touching-food is considered lethal. Meanwhile, mac and cheese and oatmeal can only be consumed if they're stirred by Mommy's hands.
At Subway, my younger son orders cheese sandwiches, hold the bread; and at Krystal he orders two miniature hot dogs, hold the meat.
My older son orders extra rolls when we eat at restaurants, then hollows them out with his index finger. He likes mashed potatoes but spits them back into the spoon if he feels a lump.
I would worry about this quirky, calorie-laden diet if the boys were getting plump, but they are not, probably because they burn calories like crazy. My older son plays three sports simultaneously -- soccer, track and lacrosse -- and my younger son is on two soccer teams. The 13-year-old ran a mile in 5 minutes 28 seconds the day after the doughnut binge. The 8-year-old scored three goals one day after a meatless hot dog meal.
Meanwhile, their go-to dinner entrees are Domino's pepperoni pizza and Zaxby's chicken fingers.
I still marvel at myself for ordering 20 Zaxby's chicken fingers at the drive-through on Easter Sunday, complaining loudly into the speaker about the slow service, then watching two cars pull around me just as it dawned on me that the place was closed.
Never mind.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.