All I really need to know, I learned from watching football at least when it comes to parenting.
Here, let me demonstrate:
There's no "I" in team. Correct, but you also can't spell "team" without "m-e-a-t." When my family is quarreling, the best medicine, I've discovered, is a round of sirloins.
Don't waste your timeouts. Let's say you're going on a road trip, and let's say that, before you even leave the driveway, your kids are already drawing blood. If you march them back inside and send them to their rooms, no good can come of it.
Instead, wait until the trip is almost over and then, when they're fighting again in the back seat, threaten to abandon them at a little country church on the outskirts of Luverne, Ala.
Heed the two-minute warning. When you want your teen to do something, build in a grace period. For instance, don't say, "I need you to take out the trash." Ask instead, "Can you please take out the trash in the next few minutes?"
This early-warning system takes the edge off the request, and makes your teenager feel in control. Still, if 30 minutes later the trash has not been taken out, unplug the Internet router and threaten to pound it with a hammer unless your demands are met.
Don't abandon the ground game. Unless you're crossing an ocean, don't ever assume that flying somewhere is easier than driving. Dragging kids through airports can be torture. And speaking of torture, you don't want the toy pistol your son hid in his carry-on bag to earn you a nice all-inclusive vacation at Guantanamo Bay.
Avoid quarterback controversies. Kids are expert at playing one parent off the other. Don't let it happen. The parent in the huddle is the one in charge. Let your child know that the penalty for insisting on a second opinion is time on the bench.
Don't take points off the scoreboard. This is another way of saying: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. In other words, if your kid has an honest B-plus in math, harassing them to raise it to an A might backfire and turn it into a C. Just saying.
Pick your battles. If your kid wants to name his rubber duck after former LSU linebacker Barkevious Mingo - as my younger son did last week - let it slide.
Run to daylight. Rule No. 1 of any good home: A fire-escape plan.
Bend but don't break. Good advice for both parental resolve and yoga.
No piling on. Don't say, "I told you so" to a child. You can never have the last word with someone who might write your obituary.
Mark KennedyDon't out-kick your coverage. If you plan to give your 16-year-old a Camaro for his birthday, don't forget to first check with Flo at Progressive.
He runs a legitimate 4.2 40-yard dash. This is the football equivalent of "the dog ate my homework" - it is theoretically possible but highly unlikely.
Protect the pigskin. Do not, under any circumstances, eat Daddy's private stash of Slim Jim snack sticks.
Take a knee. When in doubt, bow out.
Throw up a prayer. Good, all-purpose advice for nearly every situation in your good-parenting playbook.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.