Another Riverbend has come and gone.
For a big chunk of the folks in our city, the nine-day festival is their favorite event of the year.
That's understandable. Who doesn't love live music and funnel cakes?
It also deserves a fair nod from history. When our city was less than the shining example we enjoy today, Riverbend was one of the few events that drew people downtown.
Plus, Chip Baker and his folks work like crazy to make it the best event they can.
That said, here are a few suggestions to make the next generation of Riverbends even better.
First, let's re-evaluate the scenery. Start by scrubbing everything. From the stages to the banners to everything in between. We are welcoming a lot of folks who may be making their first trip, so putting our best (i.e. cleanest) foot forward needs to be paramount.
Second, let's cover some of the cranes and equipment downtown. We should treat this more as a party than a backyard barbecue.
Third, let's improve the food options. There's a place where turkey legs and funnel cakes are your dominant option. It's called the county fair. For Riverbend 2.0 to soar, we need more real food and less carnival fare.
Finally, let's cut this thing in half. Let's make it five rocking days - from Wednesday to Sunday - and let this thing take off. We can move the Bessie Smith Strut to another time or part of another event. Wednesday night could be the opener, Thursday then would be Faith and Family Night, and then into the weekend.
Go all day Saturday and Sunday to help keep a relative value for the vendors.
Then spend the same amount of money on five days worth of entertainment rather than nine and watch the talent lineup skyrocket. Right now, the current rosters of, shall we call them "overly familiar" or "experienced" acts, on the main stage is fine. But the worst announcement at Riverbend is, "We are out of beer tokens." The second worst is, "Now something from the new album."
Riverbend is great, but let's try to brainstorm ways to make it better.
Big 'new' event
OK, we are the best town in the history of towns. We have toppled them all. We're the Tyson of towns, the Manning of metropolises, the Steph Curry of cities.
In general, we are a way up town, which is better than being a down town. The competition? Their town ship has sailed.
So to celebrate, the city announced a major sports event is coming to town. And if it's coming to the best town ever, it has to be big, right? It's a major sports event. Major, not minor or even a lieutenant sporting event. Major, baby.
That's right, we got wait for it a marathon. Do what?
This feels like getting socks and PJs from your aunt on Christmas.
"The best town ever deserves world-class events," Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke majorly told reporters Thursday at the major announcement of this major event. "We started designing a truly world-class marathon that is different than all of the others."
Not sure how much different anyone can make a marathon, unless we had, like, traps or pitted the runners against one another, Hunger Games-style.
Maybe there could be an obstacle course worked in and maybe a MoonPie eating contest every four miles.
Or, they could do it through Riverbend next spring.
Funnel cakes for everyone.
If we had to guess, this almost assuredly will be some form of an Ultra Marathon.
As you may know: The first marathon is credited to an ancient Greek messenger who ran from Marathon, Greece, to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated.
However, you may not know: The Ultra Marathon unofficially was invented in 1895 when a drunken fan ran from Tuscaloosa to Hueytown to announce that the Crimson Tide had lost 48-0 to Auburn.
The best town ever has to be all sorts of majorly ultra, right down to our marathons, too.
Jail air conditioners
Apparently an air conditioner problem left some of the inmates at Silverdale without a cool and cozy climate this week.
Alas.
So, if this is the case, you mean to tell me that there are tough conditions in jail? No way.
Someone get a state senator on the phone. Oh, the humanity. And the humidity.
To be fair, Silverdale superintendent Jason Clark told this paper's Shelly Bradbury that it was not "inhumanely" hot and they were aware of and monitoring the situation.
Another way to avoid being hot in a jail would be to stay out of the pokey.
Logo a no-go
So the courts ruled Tennessee can't copyright its new $46,000 block-letter block-party logo.
It's another tough defeat in a tough year for Gov. Bill Haslam.
In the end, booting this simplistic eyesore is best for everyone, even Haslam, who likely could replace that $46 grand with the money in an ashtray of his car.
As for the decision to deny the copyright, maybe they ruled it is not intellectual property since it took so little intellect to design.
Water park
Today there's a monster water slide coming to downtown.
It should be an awesome event.
It's called "Slide the City" and here's saying that's awesome. (We ARE the best town ever. We rule.) They have already sold out of all-day passes, because who wouldn't want to slide the city?
It's a great idea, even if the name "Slide the City" could use a little work. That said, it's way better than these rejected water park names:
' Ew Tubes
' Yip-Pee
' Intermittent Stream
' In Golden Pond
' Flo-max
' WHEEEEEEE-coli
' Wedgie World
' The Runs
Until next week.
Read Jay Greeson's online column the "5-at-10" Monday through Friday at timesfreepress.com after 10 a.m. Contact him at jgreeson @timesfreepress.com and follow him on Twitter at @jgreesontfp.