Dear Abby: Wife doesn't like sex, got bad mom advice

Jeanne Phillips
Jeanne Phillips
photo Author Jeanne Phillips, the daughter of the original advice columnist Dear Abby, poses for a photo in Los Angeles, Friday, Oct. 5, 2007.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married 20 years and have three children. What I haven't had is desire for sex or an orgasm. Before my wedding, my mother said sex was overblown, uncomfortable and messy, and I had to put up with it if I wanted kids and a good marriage. Movies, TV shows and ads suggest that "normal" women want to jump into bed with their man. Am I a freak? What do I tell MY girls as they grow up? -- WAITING IN WICHITA

DEAR WAITING: Your mother did you no favor. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both parties. If sex is painful, something is wrong. You may be asexual. Many people are. If you have never experienced an orgasm, you may have married a man who was also sexually inexperienced. It's a mistake to judge what sex is supposed to be like from media or advertising. Your gynecologist would be a more reliable resource.

As to what to tell your daughters, there are many books on the subject. But please do not give them the same message your mother gave to you. It was wrong.

DEAR ABBY: My daughters, "Mary Beth," 48, and "Anne," 50, do not talk to each other. The last time we were all together was in 2010. They live in different states, and I travel to visit them for the holidays. When Mary Beth wrote her feelings to Anne, they were viewed as hurtful and vindictive. I read the letter but didn't think they were. Anne never sent a reply. I think Anne prefers the lack of contact with her sister. What do you suggest? The silence is unbearable. -- DISAPPOINTED MOM

DEAR DISAPPOINTED MOM: You don't say how Mary Beth feels about the fact that her letter may have caused an estrangement. As an adult, Anne should have responded. It isn't unusual in families geographically separated for sibling bonds to loosen. Work, marriage and children can be profoundly distracting. Continue to see both daughters, but not involve yourself in their relationship.

I'm not sure what kind of "noise" you're looking for, but if you poke into this, it could be an explosion.

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