Greeson: Are the bike lanes insensitive to unicyclists or Lois or Kiffin?

Jay Greeson

OK, bike lanes are a hot topic. So is our over-the-top politically correct culture.

With that in mind, and with tongue firmly in cheek, how have we been so insensitive?

How, with all of the hand-wringing and wasted intellectual capital have we not thought about expanding the bike lanes?

Think of, say, Juan Singleton, a guy who would be the appropriately named leader of a group called the Federation of Unicycle Delegates for Greater Equality - or FUDGE for short.

FUDGE is all for bike lanes, but they want bike lanes for all sorts of bikes.

If we are going to accommodate a limited number of downtown cyclists, why have unicyclists not gotten the same amount of love?

The public and downtown businesses were caught off-guard by the debacle that is the bike lanes, and now those lanes are dividing the human-powered vehicles. Yes, this was devised by a chest-thumping city government which takes great pride in our "outdoor-friendly" reputation, but now we are potentially bigoted against our unicycling brethren.

Oh, the humanity.

Speaking of lane needs

If we're going to start assigning lanes, well, let's just get this out in the open.

First, Lois Lane needs her own lane.

Second, if you think you are OK sneaking 11 items into the "10 or fewer" lane, then you are wrong. Oh, you may think no one is counting, but we all see the 11 (or more) items you're trying to slide through the express line at Food City.

We see it, and we are just as aware as you are about how many items you have. This type of self-importance is one of the fundamental social failures eroding the foundation of this great country.

That said, let's look to expand all sorts of lanes. Heck, here's a vote for any and all lanes in Tennessee (well, expect for a Lane Kiffin Lane - that simply will not do).

And if it's going to help traffic, maybe we should examine the law that forbids bicycles on the interstate.

I'm sure some folks are ready to convince us that a bike lane on the Ridge Cut would ease the city's worst traffic conundrums.

Off road lanes

While we're here, I'd be remiss not to mention the proposition, pitched a couple of years ago, to have a freshwater swimming lane on the Tennessee River near and around downtown.

The Times Free Press had a story on this a little more than two years ago, and if we had to bet, there will be a renewed effort.

And if we can rope off the river for swimmers - "Hey, Mr. Catfish, I've got the right of way" - then we can rope off everything, right?

We can lane the river and the streets.

Who knew the future division of the outdoor world would have been found inside a bowling alley?

Big money fast

So the Hamilton County commissioners who embraced the six-figure petty cash stash known as discretionary funds were busy this week.

The commissioners with our coins in their pockets spent a smidge less than $96,000 in 12 minutes.

At that pace, they could have spent $480,000 an hour.

Yee-haw. Free money. Wait, there's no such thing.

So as the commissioners not named Joe Graham, Marty Haynes and Tim Boyd were spending money about a third as quickly as Warren Buffett makes it. (Case in point: Buffet made $37 million per day in 2013; the seven commissioners at Tuesday's pace would have run through about $11.5 million.)

Some of the groups receiving commissioners' largesse range from booster clubs to sculpture fields to neighborhood associations.

At least they did not give any coin to any new lanes around town.

Until next week.

Contact Jay Greeson at jgreeson@timesfreepress.com and 423-757-6343. His "Right to the Point" column runs on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Follow him on Twitter at @jgreesontfp.