Before we begin, allow us this public service announcement: Any endeavor that could add value and liveliness to an area, especially one that is littered with strip malls, tattoo shops and soon-to-be-available Allan Jones shop options, should be explored.
Even one as grammatically flawed as the most recent new effort aimed at Brainerd.
Jay GreesonThis takes us a few blocks east of downtown as we pass through the tunnel and emerge not in the friendly, familiar confines of Brainerd but the capitalism-craving and capitalization-challenged midTown.
Yes, midTown, with the lower case 'm' and hip, ultra-trendy, upper-case 'T' to make it stand out from all of the other suburbs of our fair bigTown.
We pause to wonder if we start a sentence with "midTown," do we still leave the "m" small? Is it like "adidas," the athletic apparel company that has embraced the lower case? Maybe at the start of the sentence we could come up with some sort of symbol like a * or even a OE. Heck, Brainerd, er, excuse me, midTown, could be the new Prince, which seems fitting since the old Prince is, well, you know, dead.
So we have a shortage of symbols, especially in the age of emoticons (ask your kids) and emojis (ask your kids' kids). We can change the sign at the edge of the Brainerd (dang it, strike that), midTown Tunnel (or would that be tunnel in this case?) to read:
Welcome to OE, the town formerly known as Brainerd - at least for the next week to 10 days.
This announcement of course does not address what happens to the long-standing institutions that have embraced Brainerd in their names.
There's Brainerd Baptist Church. (Maybe we go midTown hoUse of praYer.) There's Bud's on Brainerd. (Millers in midTown?) How about Brainerd High School - maybe it becomes High High, as either an honor to the legendary former basketball coach Robert High or a tribute to the multiple climbing options around here.
Other than the zeal that is obvious in the "rebranding" effort, we would have loved to have been in the discussion phase of this hamlet Hail Mary.
What, dare we imagine, were some of the suggestions left on the cutting room floor?
* New Olde Town. It's hard to sound hip with old in your new name, even with that crafty, Olde English extra 'e' tacked on the end.
* North East Ridge. Too directional. And ridge-y. Notice, we didn't say too edgy; nothing is too edgy about this entire enterprise.
* Red Light Row. This idea may have been tossed out, but then it stopped. (Get it?) Maybe it never got the green light. (Sorry.) We likely should proceed with caution. (Yep, that last one was too much.)
* Brainerdstan or Brainegazi. Too Middle Eastern, and who knows, since as a city Chattanooga has more sisters than a member of the Kardashians, well, maybe there would be a connection.
* Brain Town or Da 'Nerd. When trendy new names are hatched, it is to get hipster spenders, not brainiac smarty pants.
* Rick Davis Gold and Diamond-town. This one has potential.
* Airport Alley. Nope, too logical. And nowhere near as cool, with those predictable capital letters right there up front.
* Dodge City. This seems too old-school and the shooting references too clear. Still, it would open an immediate need for an OK Corral on nearby Dodds Avenue.
All kidding aside, if midTown takes off, then who knows what other changes are in store for the surrounding areas?
East Ridge may become Southie. Hixson may adopt North North Shore. Lookout Mountain may just go with The Mountain, to which Signal likely will get upset because it wanted to have that name first.
Good luck, midTown, we'll be sure to honk the next time we're headed to Sir Goony's.
And here's another idea: Forget the name change and reopen Shakey's Pizza. Or would that be Olde School?
Contact Jay Greeson at jgreeson@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6343.