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I recently read a thoughtful opinion piece in the New York Times that was headlined, "The Fear of Having a Son." It was written by Andrew Reiner who, according to the article's endnote, teaches in the English department at Towson University in Maryland and writes about masculinity.
The thrust of Reiner's piece is that more and more aspiring parents - especially men - seem to be anxious about rearing boys. Specifically, some fathers fear that grooming sensitive sons in their own image creates disadvantages for the boys in a world that seems to value alpha-male traits, Reiner says.
Reiner, who has a 5-year-old son, said he was terrified when his boy was born. He feared his belief that a boy should learn to "feel and express his vulnerability" would "compete against cultural norms" expected of young males. In the end, he embraces the idea that it's up to fathers to change these cultural norms and to help their sons develop a full array of emotions.
Still, Reiner, in his well-researched piece, notes several examples of how many of today's young parents say they prefer daughters over sons. For instance, he cites a university study that indicates in one sample group "adoptive American parents preferred girls to boys by nearly a third." He also quotes an article from Slate that notes "fertility doctors observe that 80 percent of patients who are choosing their baby's gender prefer girls."
I'm not smart enough to know what this girl bias means. But as the father of two sons, I know this tilt makes me feel unsettled - just as I would feel queasy if four out of five couples had a clear preference for baby boys over baby girls.
I've often thought the question "What do you want, a boy or a girl?" is silly and needlessly paints parents into a corner. Parenting is not just a matter of personal taste or fashion like, say, preferring gray to off-white as a paint color. It's hard to see how this girl bias doesn't work against boys born under the "second-choice" cloud.
Importantly, I've learned from almost 15 years of parenting boys that many of the stereotypes about rearing them are false.
Reiner's piece took me back to 15 years ago this month when our oldest son was born. Regular readers of this column will know that my wife and I have two sons, now 14 and 9, and no daughters.
I, too, remember questioning my fitness to father boys. As a introverted, bookish man, I wondered if I lacked some essential masculinity that would create a developmental blind spot for my sons. Dads have a way of projecting their own insecurities on their sons, I think.
Over time, I've learned it's all in the way you frame things.
Here are some examples:
* The most common huddle-break chant for team sports these days is: "One, two, three: Hard work!" Teaching boys to work hard - whether in algebra or football - is a way to channel and develop a competitive male spirit.
* Knowledge is power. There's irony in the old "rock, paper, scissors" game. Paper (read: books) always defeats rock (read: brute force). Well-grounded boys learn this lesson early from their parents, who teach them that knowledge and fitness are complimentary skills.
* The world isn't really dominated by alpha males. It's dominated by quiet professionals. Yes, the world needs creative CEOs, but it requires CFOs to maintain profitability.
* Stoicism is underrated. If stoicism is just a mask for unexpressed emotions then, yes, it can be destructive. But practiced in moderation it can also be a form of self-discipline, the opposite of hysteria.
Most of all, I've learned that children don't require perfect role models. They just need love, security and dads who do their best. Almost everything else takes care of itself.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist.