Valentine's Day is not my favorite.
Not even close.
A made-up occasion to be nice to your sweetheart, your classmates or whomever. (In fact, the very sentiment that we need a day to be collectively kind to those we care about speaks volumes about where we are.)
Jay GreesonIn fact, we always believed Valentine's Day was crafted in the back boardroom at Hallmark as the ol' cartoon versions of the big-business types were crouched around a table in their three-piece suits and fedoras, lighting cigars with $100 bills and thinking of the next occasion between Christmas and Mother's Day to make the bottom line fatter.
Fat Cat 1: Man, these months with no card or candy sales are killing us. I may have to lay off my second chauffeur.
Fat Cat 2: I know. We need something catchy. A reason to get folks back to buying clever cards with cat pictures or lovey-dovey crud with a flower on it.
Fat Cat 1: I know, but what could it be?
Boss Fat Cat (calling to his secretary): Val, could we get some more cash in here? My cigar is about to go out.
Fat Cat 2: OK, stick with me Let's have a day for "Lovers" where we trick husbands, boyfriends and you name it into buying trinkets for their sweeties.
Fat Cat 1: Go on.
Boss Fat Cat (calling to his secretary): Val
Fat Cat 2: We can make it so passive-aggressive that if you fail on this day, you are in the doghouse for the rest of the month. And let's remember it's cold out there.
Fat Cat 1: Go on.
Boss Fat Cat (calling to his secretary): Val, what about the money
Fat Cat 2: We just need a name.
Fat Cat 1: Yeah, what can we call it?
Boss Fat Cat: Val, in time
Room: BRILLIANT!
Alas, the actual details of this dreadful excuse for niceness are almost as sketchy.
There's the rumor that St. Valentine was performing secret marriages because Roman ruler Claudius II had banned getting hitched because married men made for worse soldiers than single ones. Valentine then allegedly fell in love with his jailor's daughter and sent her a love note signed, "Your Valentine."
From there countless dollars have been spent and millions of those rotten tiny candy hearts have been printed. Seriously, the modern English language has been butchered by social media, but the first symptoms of the death of the written word were those diabolical sentence fragments.
Of course, Kiss Me was the original star. Then through the years, there have been less-than-stellar messages such as Stir My Heart. Recipe 4 Love. Start Now. Magic New Love. URA QT. (Yep, that's sugar-coated shorthand for You are a cutie. Egad.)
There were even a run of then-trendy techie heart-grams like Page Me and Fax Me, which of course gave way to Text Me and #Love. (Not sure about Hashtag Love, but for those of us familiar with the Waffle House's work, I know all about Hashbrown Love.)
And of course the school-related ones of Cheer for Me, Class Act and Book Club.
(Wow, even for a hopelessly non-romantic like me, it's hard to imagine a worse Valentine's Day heart message than Book Club. What, was Band Camp already taken?)
Still, this year more than most, maybe we all need a Valetine's Day message.
We are collectively in a place of emotional ping-pong where every action generates a fiery reaction that causes a hot-blooded re-reaction, and so on.
Maybe on this Valentine's Day, the fear of forgetting should be replaced with the joy of remembering the thoughts and feelings of others, regardless of the side of the aisle, the color of their skin, or whatever other differences we have.
Maybe, right?
May all your candy hearts read "Kiss Me" today.
Contact Jay Greeson at jgreeson@timesfreepress.com and 423-757-6343.