A friend and I were ordering lunch in a downtown sandwich shop one day this month when I noticed a curious thing on the wall. It was an old piece by humor columnist Dave Barry called, "16 Things it Took Me 50 Years to Learn."
Everyone at midlife should make a list of important things they've learned -- random observations, firmly held beliefs, quotes they've underlined in a book.
So here, a couple of years late, is my midlife manifesto:
* Religion is about grace. Career is about merit. Still, people insist on earning heaven and expecting bosses to always be graceful.
* Any words you say during a colonoscopy should not be held against you in court or in heaven.
* Chocolate is to pregnancy as a cold shower is to abstinence.
* If you're stressed out, repeat after me: "I will not beat my head against a dead horse."
* Uri Geller cannot bend a spoon, but Mayfield ice cream can.
* Pray for character not for outcomes.
* Don't write anything on Facebook that you'd be embarrassed to have tattooed on your forehead.
* When operating a Weed Eater near poison ivy, wear long pants. Seriously, dude. Do it.
* The depth of tread on a person's tires may tell you more about their net worth than the kind of car they drive.
* Just when a preschooler's behavior is about to drive you nuts, they move on to a new phase. Grit it out.
* People who don't believe in a higher power, but who claim to grasp the concept of infinity, mystify me.
* I am older than health food. I would not have survived childhood without sugar sandwiches and Spam.
* Parenthood is a sweet addiction for which there is no known cure.
* Random acts of chaos are Satan's nuclear weapons.
* The older you get the less you think about sex and the more you think about cake.
* At any age, audacity is the key to an active love life.
* In baseball, if a career .300 hitter is hitting .125 in April, bank on a turn-around. Reversion to the mean is a force of nature.
* People who are consumed by politics should really think about getting an Xbox.
* Don't let anyone who fries bacon on high manage your money.
* Four is the sweetest age.
* Forced to make a choice at the ballot box, most people in the South will favor liberty over personal gain.
* Circumspection is an underrated character trait.
* The keys to marital bliss are daily hugs, Sunday afternoon naps and a 15-year mortgage.
* In all things: Know when to quit.