Cook: Respect is always most important value

A few days ago, a dear and wise friend, who is Muslim, told me a story.

Growing up in western Africa, she learned from her parents a core set of values. Among them was the importance of a good education.

So when it came time for her to attend school, her parents chose the best school possible.

It was a private Catholic school.

She was the only Muslim in her class.

David Cook

On the whole, the experience was healthy and meaningful, except for one day in high school, when a new priest came to class.

He was cocky, haughty and, as the saying goes, leaned in with his chin. He began lecturing about world religions, and when it came to Islam, began speaking in mean and ignorant ways.

My friend sat up straight. Raised her hand.

"I am Muslim," she said, boldly, maybe even defiantly. "And what you're saying is wrong."

There was a heroic quality to the moment: My friend said her classmates immediately cheered and clapped for her as the embarrassed priest backpeddled. Yet her victory was short-lived; she was soon sent to the principal's office, who then sent for her parents.

"I thought they would be proud of me," she said. "I was sticking up for myself."

She was wrong.

Her parents were angry. Even though she had stuck up for herself, she had abandoned a core principle that, in her family, trumped all others.

"Respect," she said. "Respect for others. Respect for authority."

My friend told me this story on Friday, and it went round and round in my head all weekend.

Respect for authority is important, right?

Absolutely.

But isn't standing up for one's self also important?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

The story gives us two values diverged in a Catholic school classroom. Which one to follow? Which values matter, and which matter most? In our bracketology of values, which ranks top? Respect for others or self-expression?

At first, I disagreed with her parents. Put me in their shoes and I would have strolled into that principal's office, chest out, head high, hugging my kid and saying - you go, girl. Way to stick up for yourself.

But you see? That would have come at a cost. In prioritizing my kid's identity, I would have taught her to dismiss the authority of the priests and elders before her. Sometimes, when the individual wins, the community loses.

But wait.

Is respect something we should automatically give to people in power? Doesn't authority have to be earned? In our American story, we revolted against the king, which says authority resides not in positions of power, but in earned positions of power.

But wait again.

Giving respect does not have to be conditional. We can treat those around us with respect - bad priests or good ones - simply because they are human, and thus worthy of respect. Doing so is an act of service and selflessness, and is a beautiful thing to behold.

If we could generate some values-revival in our society, what values do we need most? Courage? Honesty? Love?

I would place humility at the front. It's a doozy, being humble, since it always involves some personal, often painful, descent. Realizing we aren't so grand and important can be a shot to the jaw. Yet humility is a healer, and often the antidote to a culture too absorbed with self-expression and self-identity. (That culture would be ours.)

In my friend's story, I first identified with her parents. Then, it hit me: I am the priest.

Too often, I stroll into the room, parading my opinon to and fro. The priest's downfall was his inability to be humble, his refusal to listen. That, too, is mine.

(We in Christian-America make the same mistake with regards to religion. For example: Can you name five facts about Islam? To that end, I am pleased to announce this Thursday, at 5 p.m, the Muslim Student Association at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga is hosting a public discussion on Islam. Questions are welcome. Curiosity, encouraged.)

For my friend, it's been decades since the priest walked into her classroom. At the time, she was a teenager. Today, she is a grandmother.

So I had to ask her: In hindsight, who was right?

You?

Or your parents?

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "My parents were right. Respect is always most important."

Contact David Cook at dcook@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6329. Follow him on Facebook at DavidCook TFP.