Folks, we're wicked behind, which is not to be confused with a wicked behind. And yes, we're operating on 3 hours of sleep, so giddy-up. Remember Friday's mailbag and that gambling's illegal at Bushwood and we never slice.
From the "Talks too much" studios, let's go.
We were fully prepared to go with a more distinguished and pertinent top five list heading into the college season. But then we realized, "Hey we're the 5-at-10, we need more pirates."
In honor of the return of Mike Leach to the college game, here are the top five pirates in college football:
1) Mike Leach, Washington State: And if you don't believe the Original Gangster pirate is still number one, ask yourself who else could have us talking about Washington State football in the middle of SEC country. Game, Set, Pirate.
2) Lane Kiffin, USC: Hey, we completely understand that every respectable UT fan loathes Kiffin. But dude is on the brink of some special stuff at USC. Side note: Most underrated attribute of a pirate has to be leadership - how else can you explain a crew of pirates listening to one guy, who more times than not is a tyrant. It's leadership of course, and Kiffin has something that unites and bonds a team and causes it to want to follow his lead. Arrrrggggg.
3) Rocky Long, San Diego State: Dude said earlier this week that he is considering going for it on every fourth down once the Aztecs get by the 50. Hey, Rocky, want to know who else uses that strategery? Every teenager playing Madden on the Xbox. Knock yourself out Rocky, but know that when it doesn't work, mutiny can be painful.
4) Steve Spurrier, South Carolina: One of the hallmarks of a great pirate is boss headwear. Spurrier has that in spades with his visor. Plus, dude has crafted a persona as great as his actual coaching abilities and that "legend" status screams pirate.
5) Les Miles, LSU: You knew our soft spot for the lovable Les would mean more. Here's a Les quote for you, and remember, if Captain Grass-Chewer is not pirate enough for you then we're just not sure what it means to have the want to be pirate enough on a daily basis. Hey, this list has been looming on the horizon for some time. Or as Les actually said last year, "We look forward to our future. It's something we're really pointed to." Les Miles in two words is Pi Rate.
Side note: Bobby Petrino so would have been on this list even without a job had he not gone on ESPN and started squalling like a school girl. Dude, suck it up. Everyone knows you world-class dropped the ball. You had a $2 million a year gig with supreme job security and you blew it. (Careful with the jokes here, 962.)
We did not do the final major justice. Granted it's a major more in name only, but it still has the rank of an office and deserves the respect it is then entitled.
Upon further review, can we discuss the following quote from Tiger Woods after he failed to break par on the weekend of the major for the fourth time this year (and yes, Virginia, there are four majors in a given year): "(Saturday) I came out with the wrong attitude. I was too relaxed. I was trying to enjoy it. That's not how I play. You know how I play. I play intense. And it cost me."
OK, that's well and good, and at best that sounds like excuse making and worse for Tiger lovers across the dial it sounds like a dude that has the confidence of an acne-riddled high school freshman.
One of the key emotional attributes of athletic superstars in individual sports (and world-class, lock-down cornerbacks) is a bullet-proof arrogance that borders on irrational view of reality. It's one of the reasons that Tiger was allowed so much slack in his reign of terror. It's also why sprinters do everything but the Enrico Palazzo umpire strike dance from Naked Gun.
They have to believe nothing is their fault, or when bad things happen they will believe everything is their fault. It's how it works.
So now Tiger is talking about his attitude and how he's trying to enjoy the game? Uh, Tiger, you're the club-throwing, cuss-word-slinging course debacle that seems like you're doing everything this side of enjoying the game.
What's next? Is Tiger going to meltdown at Augusta and say he was trying to make TOO MANY putts.
Tiger used to enjoy playing the majors because he would eat the face off anyone who dared take the lead. Now, he's transformed into a sensitive player who needs to find intensity.
Just another layer on the argument that no matter how many 65s he posts on Thursday or Friday, Tiger is light years from being Tiger.
Everyone's favorite former Auburn baseball player, Tim Hudson, delivered the goods for your Atlanta Braves on Tuesday.
Hudson allowed three baserunners in 6.1 innings in Atlanta's easy 6-0 win over San Diego. Hudson threw 97 pitches; 63 of them were strikes. Well played. Atlanta moved back with 4.5 games of Washington, which lost to the Giants on Tuesday.
Hudson delivered the type of performance that reminds us all why it's paramount to have a legit No. 1 during a pennant race. When teams are tired and bullpens spent, every contender needs a gut to take the ball and deliver. Hudson did that.
And it could not have come at a better time. These Braves have been getting solid starting pitching since the All-Star break, but most of it seems either good luck or streaky.
Hudson grabbed the Padres by the horns and did not let go.
He was aces.
- Alabama reported 27 secondary violations Tuesday, including a slew of things that ranged from improper texting to even an alleged Little Debbie infraction by a certain Oatmeal Creme Pie loving coach. OK, we made the last one up, but still. And if there's an ancillary benefit from the unprecedented bad in the world of college football in the last 14 months, it's the small amount of perspective that has arrived when it comes to the river of secondary violations. Think back 18 months and this would be "ALABAMA is OUT of control. They have 27 NCAA violations."
- Kudos to LaughingBoy for his great call on "Platoon" late Tuesday afternoon. We responded there and are planning on expanding the tournament field of ensemble casts in the days ahead. Stay tuned.
- On the literary front, world-class sportswriter Joe Posnanski's book on Joe Paterno is going to be released next week. Posnanski gained access in 2010 and was going to write a biography on Paterno that certainly was designed to go in a completely different direction than where we are today. Also, world-class pedophile Jerry Sandusky is said to be writing a book from prison. We're more interested in the former than the latter, thank you very much.
We'll make this quick.
On this day in 1969 Woodstock started.
If we were going to have a 5-at-10-stock in downtown Chattanooga tonight and we said you could invite one current musical group, who are you bringing?
What if we said you could bring one group at any point ever, who you got?