We're moving quickly today because of a slew of work assignments that include but are not limited to our morning gig of writing a family-oriented, interweb-based sports column, our daytime gig of being a sports department employee, our afternoon gig talking sports with College Football Rainman, David Paschall, on Press Row from 1-3 p.m. on 105.1 FM and our all night gig of doing our high school preview magazine.
From the "Talks too much" studios, if we were in your shoes, we'd be... leaving, what a good idea.
Johnny Football/Hangover/Merchandise/Drama/Cash Money saga has turned so far beyond the scope of expectation that Cam Newton is now the voice of reason.
Where are we?
Reports now have a memorabilia broker showing video to ESPN of Johnny Manziel signing up to 300 pieces of sports collectibles in a hotel room. Said broker said he paid Johnny Headache $7,500. Oh brother.
There are other brokers floating similar rumors, and the video has Johnny Playa saying no thanks to "extra cash" for signing personalized items. Oh twin brothers.
On Tuesday, Newton, the 2010 Heisman winner that led Auburn to the national title amid a ton of allegations and NCAA investigations, said he has talked to Manziel about the trappings of college fame and pressure.
We don't know much, but we do know that when the creator of Cammy Cam juice and the guy that debunked the long-standing truth that where there is smoke there is fire is your Obi Wan Kenobi, well, there seems to be little chance for sanity. (Side note: Cam's wisdom was actually spot-on.)
Where were we?
We got a late start on this because, well, it's impossible to share how much we have going on these two weeks. In fact, today is our 9th wedding anniversary and we have so much to do, we brought lunch, dinner and fourth meal to work with us. It's going to be a long one. (And yes, the Mrs. 5-at-10 is mighty understanding.)
So we've decided at the 11th hour to have a PGA contest. Here's the deal for the 11th Hour PGA Barely a Major So We'll Only Pick Three:
We're picking three players - all count - and each has to be from a different country. Hey, we're trying to expand your cultures here. Ties will be broken by speed of entry - first in gets the edge and the list will be compiled by order of entry. Who's in?
We're going with Woods, Stenson and Jason Day.
Whatcha' got? Winner will get some stuff.
If you are wondering how any other fictional sports stars turned out and whether they can be a road map for the real-life Johnny Football who seems to be living a very mediocre made-for-TV movie, well, let's take a look:
• After getting his GED, former Bad News Bears slugger Kelly Leak was investigated in the minors as one of the early frontrunners for baseball's growing amphetamine problem in the late 1970s. He went on to work with Tony Bosch at Biogenesis, and well, ask A-Rod how that turned out.
• Jimmy Chitwood clashed with his college coach at Indiana and transfered to Wabash College on an academic scholarship. He coaches at Hickory and has yet to pay for his lunch at the diner where Coach Dale met Shooter.
• Danny Noonan used the caddy scholarship to go to college and eventual graduated from St. Copius law school. He helped to have Judge Smails disbarred for his role in a gambling scandal at Bushwood, bought three lumber yards from Ty Webb and worked diligently to have Mitch Cumstein's good name restored after the unfortunate night putting scandal.
• Becky "Ice Box" O'Neal hung up her pads after helping the Little Giants beat the Little Cowboys. She's back in her hometown running her uncle's Chevy dealership.
• Walker and Texas Ranger Bobby each tried NASCAR driving with varying degrees of success. Texas Ranger eventually landed as a racing analyst with FOX while Walker was caught up in a Ponzi scheme and has not been heard from in a while.
• Charlie Conway never developed beyond a good high school hockey player but he used his confidence from his "Mighty Ducks" success to move to Hollywood and become an actor. He changed his name to Joshua Jackson and landed several roles, including a leading part on Dawson's Creek.
Got any others?
- Anyone got any reasons why the Braves are this good? Seriously. Side note: Hey Bryce Harper, your team stinks, you admire a homer in the previous AB and you crowd the plate - you can expect some fastballs on the inside. Run Dummy. Why don't you stop talking for a while Champ.
- Riley Cooper is back at Eagles practice. That is all.
- Which is crazier: Cammy Cam giving Johnny Football words of wisdom in his trials with the NCAA or Pete Rose telling the Biogenesis guys to tell the truth? Excuse us, we need a shower.
- Interesting that the NCAA has changed its online shopping feature, and you can no longer search for memorabilia from a specific player. Before Tuesday you could search for a specific player - say Johnny Manziel or Jadeveon Clowney - and their jerseys would come up for sale. Now, that feature has been changed after ESPN ace Jay Bilas took to the Twitter and exposed the NCAA hypocrisy in this regard.
- Did you see the Manning Brothers rap song about football on your phone? OK, we'll say it, those guys just seem extremely likeable, no? You know another set of brothers we like - Cliff and Chris Paul from those State Farm commercials. Good times.
As always feel free to chime in on any and the above topics and remember Friday's mailbag - we need a couple of entries.
Which of the above youthful sports movie character's path seems most accurate?
If you had to make a wager - and this is only for entertainment purposes only of course - where would you place your hard-earned entertainment dollars in regard to Johnny Miscue? Will he play this year? Will he miss any games?
And remember the PGA Contest and to give us a shout on Press Row from 1-3 p.m. on ESPN Radio 105.1 in Chattanooga. You can hit us with a question on Twitter too at @jgreeesontfp.