Hargis: Cliches primer for new coaches

In the last two years we've had more than a dozen new head coaches take over prep football programs in the tri-state area. Much the way those guys have to go step by step in showing freshmen how to play their position, I'd like to offer a little help to the newbies in learning the all-important art of using the coaching cliché.

And as a public service to those inexperienced coaches, I'd like to also explain how we in the media, as well as our readers (re: your boosters) interpret those time-worn lines.

Coaches, be sure to take time to rehearse these lines in front of a mirror, using little to no expression other than an intimidating scowl (try portraying a constipated Nick Saban), so as to seem sufficiently annoyed by having to answer any media moron's question. Gritting your teeth and repeating these clichés with a stern glare will also help you avoid having any player's parents brave enough to question your decisions to your face.

Pregame clichés:

"We'll take it one game at a time"; also, "We can only worry about ourselves." Translation: "This week's game is so easy we're already looking at video for our next two opponents."

"Our guys play with a lot of heart." Translation: "So help me, we've got kids who are so uncoordinated they can't walk and chew gum at the same time."

"This week's opponent plays smash-mouth football." Translation: "Their offense is as outdated as mullets and parachute pants, but I swear they've got grown men on a prison work-release program playing."

"They're peaking at the right time." Translation: "Can you believe how weak their schedule has been the last few weeks? I think they scheduled a few JV teams."

"We're in a rebuilding year." Translation: "My wife and I don't feel safe enough to buy a house, so we're just renting for now. I should've gone to dental school like my mother wanted."

"They're a lot more athletic than they have been." Translation: "The new assistant they hired is the driver's ed teacher and drove around the area recruiting kids to come play there."

"My hat's off to their coach. He does a great job." Translation: "I hate that guy. He doesn't even coach at all. All he has to do is make sure all those athletes he recruited show up on time."

Clichés after a win:

"We finally got the monkey off our backs." Translation: "Tell those boosters they can stop looking for my replacement now."

"We came to play"; also, "We brought our A-game." Translation: "We beat them like they stole something."

"We're just glad to get out of here with a win." Translation: "That's the dirtiest, biggest bunch of cheating sons-of-guns I've ever seen. I think the coach's brother-in-law was the head official."

"We made some pretty good halftime adjustments"; also, "We showed a lot of character in the second half." Translation: "I scared the daylights out of our players at halftime. I broke two chairs, tore a locker door off the hinges, punched a hole in the wall and told them I'd make them wish they were never born come Monday if they didn't stop messing up and beat this bunch of pansies."

Clichés after a loss:

"It was game of inches." Translation: "If we lose one more close game, I'll be selling used cars for a living."

"We have to circle the wagons"; also, "Our backs are against the wall." Or "It's gut-check time." Translation: "Please ask my wife to take all sharp, metal objects away from my reach."

"Mistakes killed us"; also, "We shot ourselves in the foot." Translation: "My team is as dumb as a sack of hammers."

"Penalties killed us." Translation: "The refs hate us."

"Take nothing away from them"; also, "Give them credit." Translation: "That coach is luckier than Megan Fox's personal massage therapist. I'd rather have a rash I can't scratch than lose to him."

"I'm proud of the way our team never quit"; also, "We played with a lot of heart." Translation: "We got beat like a rented mule."

"They wanted it more than us"; also, "We came out flat." Translation: "Our guys need to visit Oz and ask the Wizard for some heart."

OK, coaches, got it? Once you've perfected the timing of when to use any of these, you're golden. The only thing left now is to decide if your program is going to officially give financial aid and play in Division II or just keep finding loopholes in the recruiting rules like most of the other teams in D-I.

Contact Stephen Hargis at shargis@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6293.

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