Greeson: SEC media days kick off without two ones-of-a-kind

Earlier this week there was a drinking game with an SEC media days theme. Some fellow from Bolton Sports put it out there with a list of things ahead of next week's annual gathering of watery-mouthed fans and well-tanned-from-summer-vacations-with-the-families sports writers in Birmingham.

The premise is pretty simple: Every time one of these things happens, you are supposed to take a drink. It could be a lemonade or a lemon-flavored shot of your libation of choice. (Side note: If you know anyone like my Paw-Paw, be careful of anything that's in an unmarked jug and called "Homemade Wine." It was my experience that "Homemade Wine" could be used as a cocktail or extra fuel for your lawnmower.)

Some of them are obvious - Alabama coach Nick Saban being asked about satellite camps is atop the list, and that seems like a very safe bet. But Saban will answer that question once, grumble about the follow-up and then glare at any future mention of it. The same likely also goes for questions about Cam Robinson's legal hiccups in Louisiana and the curious circumstances around the local sheriff in Monroe.

Some of the Bolton Sports list will happen a lot. For example, one of the rules is taking a drink every time Leonard Fournette is asked about the Heisman. Man, unless you are kicking back O'Douls, you are going to need a designated driver for that one.

And some of them run the mix of being very frequent and very obvious. Enjoy the list. It's pretty entertaining.

No, it's not as entertaining as Steve Spurrier, mind you, and the Ol' Ball Coach assuredly will be missed this week. There will never be another one like Spurrier - unless he comes back again, which seems improbable - because of the stakes and the scrutiny and the seriousness.

We've lost the ability to embrace the fun in our games, at least when it comes to college football and professional sports.

That's one of the things the great Dr. Basketball, who was laid to rest Friday night, reminded us of on a daily basis on "SportTalk." In truth, Spurrier and Gary Haskew were quite similar. Ones of a kind, in a way that makes all of us nod in realizing the oxymoronic plurality of "ones-of-a-kind" makes sense.

They both will be missed, especially next week, with their humor and ability to remind us to have fun.

With that - and the fun of the Barton drinking game - here's some questions that would remind even the sternest of SEC football coaches that football is supposed to be fun:

For Alabama's Saban, what's your favorite flavor of Gatorade shower? Would that make him smile? Probably not, since, well, we're not even sure Saban has teeth.

For Arkansas coach Bret Bielema, what's your favorite museum in Arkansas? Of course, Bielema, who is the front-runner to replace Spurrier as the biggest loose cannon in the modern-day, buttoned-down SEC, would have a great answer, be it the Hall of Waffles or the Pig Plaza right there in Pine Bluff.

For Auburn's Gus Malzahn, where's Jeremy Johnson this year? Ouch, considering Johnson was a Heisman contender for about half-a-week last year and made the trip to Birmingham. This year, he's the third-string quarterback.

For Florida's Jim McElwain, what's Jalen Tabor's Twitter address? Tabor, the Gators' star cornerback and arguably their best player, was left off the invitation list for next week's festivities mainly because of his Twitter barbs at Tennessee fans. So, in his absence, Tabor has said he'll host a social media Q-and-A on Monday. Here's betting that does not make McElwain smile.

For Georgia's Kirby Smart, so, Coach, can we speak to any of your assistants? Smart is putting Saban's gestapo-style lockdown on the information available to the media. It's a strategy that works fine if you win as much as Saban. If not, well, you know.

For Kentucky's Mark Stoops, if John Calipari ever has to vacate his postseason success with the Wildcats, are you concerned it may happened to your program? Oh, wait. You'd have to get to the postseason first. Never mind.

For LSU's Les Miles, Coach, Brandon Harris, friend or foe? Harris, of course, is the quarterback charged with leading the most talented overall roster in the country. If he plays well, look out. If he doesn't, Miles could be out. Seriously.

For Mississippi State's Dan Mullen, what's your go-to lunch order on the road recruiting? (Actually, we asked him this on "Press Row" on ESPN 105.1 FM last year and he said a Subway 6-inch Tuna with double meat.)

For Missouri's Barry Odom, how quickly can you get to the ESPYs for the "spirit award" your team is getting for participating in the faux hunger strike last year? Well, in retrospect, that's really not that funny, so that means it likely will be asked in some form or another.

For Ole Miss's Hugh Freeze, how much better does a gas mask make the pot-smoking experience? Former All-America tackle Laremy Tunsil's draft-night escapades that included a photo of him smoking marijuana through a heavy-duty mask have been a hazy cloud (sorry) over the program for most of the offseason.

For South Carolina's Will Muschamp, what's your favorite cuss word? The renowned sideline ball of intensity known as Coach Boom, who has more YouTube profanity diatribes than Richard Pryor, would have a hard time choosing, for sure.

For Tennessee's Butch Jones, Coach, the over/under on cliches set for you today is 11.5. Would you go over or under? He wouldn't answer, but we'd suggest taking the over.

For Texas A&M's Kevin Sumlin, what is Johnny Football's favorite flavor of Jell-O shot? His answer, of course, would have to be, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

For Vanderbilt's Derek Mason, so, has Jim Harbaugh reached out about you joining his defensive staff? OK, that last one seems a little harsh.

Here's a lift of a sifter of Paw-Paw's "Homemade Wine" as the unofficial start of college football arrives next week, and to missing the presence of two ones-of-a-kind.

Contact Jay Greeson at jgreeson@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6343. Follow him on Twitter @jgreesontfp.

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