Stephen has covered sports in the tri-state area for the Times Free Press for more than 25 years and was named Sports Editor in February of 2015 after 10 years as assistant sports editor.Here's a little-known fact - Donald Trump once attended a prep football game in our area. The President-elect and his now ex-wife Marla Maples helicoptered in for a homecoming game at Georgia's Northwest Whitfield, her alma mater, in the early 1990s, and as you might imagine, it was a spectacle.
After watching election results pour in through the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I wondered what it would be like if President Trump were to make a return trip and give us some insight into the playoff matchups involving our area teams tonight.
Using a few of his better "Trumpisms," I imagine his breakdown would go something like this:
- Bradley Central at Blackman: "There's a lot of talent in Cleveland, and it's not all on the field. Have you seen some of their ladies? I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. In 10 years I'll come back and start dating one of them. Trust me. Anyway, they've got Cole Copeland back. That's huge. Huge! I heard the doctor originally said the kid would be out the rest of the year. I said, 'Doc, you're fired!' I helped the family find a new doctor. Incredible guy. I can find anything. It's like when I play that game 'Where's Waldo?' I never have trouble finding Waldo. Ask anyone. I always find him. Anyway, Copeland reminds me of a quarterback I had in the USFL. The best. So Bradley wins. But then they'll have to play Maryville again, and Rebels coach George Quarles wins so much it should be illegal. Lock him up!"
- Walker Valley at Ooltewah: "There'll be a crowd there. Believe me. And I know crowds. I get bigger crowds than Jay Z. It's true. My crowds are huge. Like the one they'll have at Ooltewah tonight. Fun offenses. So many points. If Owls coach Mac Bryan says he can't score points as fast as anybody around, just start calling him Lyin' Mac. He can. They can bomb the crap out of you. Oh, Walker Valley can score, too. Kolten Gibson. Nice kid. Good quarterback. Will be big time next year. But Ooltewah scores too much. Mustangs can't keep up."
- Farragut at Rhea County: "Both teams are doing fine in the polls. State-ranked. Farragut number four, Rhea number five. Believe me, nobody knows better than me that you don't trust polls. They're rigged! But you can trust the wing-T offense, and Rhea coach Mark Pemberton runs it. Won a state title with it. But I know more about the wing-T. Believe me. I could run that offense. I would have so many misdirection and counter plays, it would make your head spin. Let me tell you, we'd do very well. Win a lot of games. But he's pretty good. Not flashy. He'll need to take some risks, throw the ball to win tonight."
- East Ridge at Red Bank: "You want star power, go watch this game. Trust me. It's like walking around the lobby of my Trump Tower. You're gonna see some stars. Red Bank's Calvin Jackson? East Ridge's Traneil Moore? Good luck catching them. They're harder to pin down than Hillary's e-mails. Deleted 33,000. That might be how many yards these two offenses put up tonight. Red Bank's offense last year, so low-energy. Sad. But Drew Akins came in this year and has done a phenomenal job calling plays for the Lions. King of the jungle, let me tell you."
- Notre Dame at Sequatchie County: "People say I don't like Dunlap. Not true. I love the place. I mean, I sold some great property there. A farm. Dairy, I think. Or was it pigs? Speaking of pigs, did I mention Rosie O'Donnell came to one of my weddings and ate a lot of cake? Anyway, these teams know how to put points on the board. And I know about scoring, believe me. Have you seen my wife? The difference in this one, Sequatchie's linemen. Those are some bad hombres."
- Meigs County at Forrest: "Jason Fitzgerald. Good guy. Played line in the SEC. Big hands. Like me. Look at these hands. Are they small hands? Marco Rubio said if they're small something else must be small. There's no problem there, I guarantee it. Anyway, Jason's done a tremendous job at Meigs. Excitement is up. Forrest's defense, very open borders. Obama's fault. Total disaster. Should've closed the borders. Meigs should be able to find plenty of running room in all that open space."
- Watertown at Marion County: "Nobody builds walls better than me. Believe me. But Marion knows about building walls, too. Their defensive front, big and solid. Such a great wall. Hard to move them. Can't run the ball on them. They've only given up four rushing touchdowns all season. I know we're not allowed to punch back anymore, but that defense, it's like the old days when guys would get carried out on a stretcher, folks. And their offense? Please. So much speed. Their guys don't get caught. And believe me, I prefer guys who don't get captured. They'll win this one. Bigly."
- Fayetteville at South Pittsburg: "I know Vic Grider. Such a nasty man. Like Putin. Loves to beat people by the mercy rule. But he said some nice things about me, so I like him. I asked him why he came back to coaching last year and he told me, 'We will start winning again and winning like you've never seen before. I'll tell you, the rest of the state will get tired of it. Even people in Alabama. They'll say 'oh this guy, he wins too much, we can't take it.' It's true. It's unbelievable. Losers.' And he'll say 'Sorry, folks, we're gonna keep on winning!' But hey, he knows the art of the deal. He's got what, four state championship rings? Believe me, he'll get another one."
- Whitwell at Columbia Academy: "Rematch. They played earlier this year and it was close. Just takes a little momentum and you can swing things in your favor. Trust me, folks, I know. Tigers defense needs to swarm. Like flies on stink. You ever see that movie, 'Lord of the Flies'? I could've been a lord. You've never seen such a lord. Also, fat kid in the movie died. Sad. Anyway, win and the forgotten team in Marion County will be forgotten no more. Tigers haven't been past the second round in 25 years. Too long. But I'm telling ya, Tracy Malone has a young team that's getting there. It's good to be underestimated."
- McCallie at Brentwood Academy: "Look, I started with a very small loan of $1 million from my father and built a billion-dollar empire. Some of the kids in this game could probably get a million-dollar loan from their dads, too. It's not that much. Really. But I tell ya where these teams really are rich, and that's at quarterback. Can't be stopped. Ralph Potter calling plays, please. He calls such good plays, let me tell you. Those are some good plays. And Ricky Ross, great mind. Motivating McCallie's defense. This is why they hired him folks, believe me."
- Baylor at MUS: "Some people tried to tell me that Baylor would lose to Pope John Paul II twice in the same season. I said 'Wrong!' Listen, I met Pope John. Nice guy. He let me drive his Popemobile once. I told him, I've got carts at my golf courses that run faster than this. Very low-energy. Sad. So I knew Baylor would get here because Phil Massey always has his team playing its best when it matters. I like Phil. Nice guy. Great head of hair, like me. You know, Baylor and McCallie would play each other again next week if they can pull off the upsets tonight. Nobody believes they can. I like upsets."
Contact Stephen Hargis at shargis@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6293. Follow him on Twitter @StephenHargis.