"Advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill." - J.R.R. Tolkien
When I started to think about retiring a couple years ago, what I really wanted to do was become a country music star. I already owned a guitar and believed I could sing about riding in trucks, buying a six-pack and sitting on the tailgate of those trucks as well as the next guy. I had quite a bit of experience at all of those things.
One reason I wanted to be a famous country star is these people always seem to have a lot of folks in the outdoors and firearms industry in their posses. There is always a guy from a camo company or some other hunting-related product hanging out with the glamorous country singer. They travel all around the world, go to some great hunting and fishing spots, and at night they sit around a big fire as the country star sings his songs about trucks and six-packs and tailgates
I had pretty much decided that was what I was going to do, but then I realized I didn't have a black cowboy hat and I really couldn't fit into those skinny jeans like I did in the seventh grade. My dreams of becoming a famous country star were crushed. Since I could not be a country singer - mainly because of the hat thing - I decided I would become a world-famous outdoors writer. That's basically how it happened.
Now that I am a famous outdoors writer (OK, at last count I think there are maybe 11 of you out there who have heard of me), I get tons of mail from adoring readers asking me all sorts of questions about hunting, the outdoors, guns, and other things they think I am an expert in. Well, maybe not tons, and I might have exaggerated the adoring part.
Since it is important that I answer readers' questions in a timely manner - plus the editors told me I had to turn in a column this week - here are some of the latest inquiries to your humble outdoors scribe.
Dear Outdoors Writer,
My husband is driving me crazy. He started turkey hunting two years ago, and he is obsessed with it. All he talks about is turkeys, turkey calls, shotguns and camouflage. He is constantly practicing calls around the house, wears camo every day and is forever scheming to buy another shotgun. I don't want to kick him out, but if I have to hear another fly-down cackle, I am going to scream. What should I do?
At Wits' End, Chattanooga
Dear Wit,
I'm sorry I don't understand, but what is the problem?
Dear Outdoors Writer,
Some of the guys at work took me fishing for the first time last year, and I really enjoyed it. Now they are planning a big trip where they will camp out in tents for several days. I have never been camping and never thought I would like it. Can you give me some tips on how to survive my first camping trip?
Never Been Camping, Bluefield, Va.
Dear Nev,
Just between you and me, I hate camping. Why? Four words: bugs, rain, mud and rain. If I even think about going camping, it will start to rain, guaranteed. It got so bad back in the 1980s, three counties in New Mexico offered to hire me to go out there and set up a tent to end a three-year drought. I started to go, but I found out they didn't have any turkeys in that part of the state. Do what I do - find a cheap motel near your pal's camping spot and stay there. After two nights, see how many show up to stay with you.
Dear Outdoors Writer,
I hope you can settle a bet I have with my hunting buddy. When we go deer hunting, we always take potted meat and crackers for lunch. He claims potted meat is made from beef intestines, pork snouts and some chicken paste. I say it is liquefied turkey and chicken parts, pork tripe, ground beef tails and chicken cartilage. Who is right?
Love the Potted Meat, Ellijay, Ga.
Dear Pot,
You both are.
Dear Outdoors Writer,
Is professional wrestling real?
Sure Hope It Is, Erie, Pa.
Dear Su,
Of course it's real, and in case you didn't know, professional wrestling was originally invented for people who can't understand NASCAR.
Well, once again we have run out of space. Just to let you know, I called the editors and requested two full pages for my column. I would say they are seriously considering it as I heard a lot of laughter before we were somehow cut off.
I really hate to give up my dream of being a country star, though. I suppose I will just have to settle for being a famous outdoors writer.
I probably would have gotten tired of singing about all those trucks and tailgates and six-packs anyway.
"The Trail Less Traveled" is written by Larry Case, who lives in Fayette County, W.Va., has been a devoted outdoorsman all of his life and is a contributing columnist for The Times Free Press. You can write to him at larryocase3@gmail.com.