Chattanooga Now PunchLines

Chattanooga Now PunchLines

June 18th, 2009 by Lisa Denton in Chattanooga Now - Art

Evil dads

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Makes sense

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Control freak. Now you say, 'Control freak who?' "

License to fish

Larry, a fish and game warden, decided to go fishing at a local river on his lunch break. Upon arriving, he met up with another angler at his favorite spot.

"You can't fish while you're on duty," the angler said as Larry cast his line.

"I'm not on duty," Larry said. "It's my lunch break."

After a while, Larry decided to check that the fisherman had a license. "Can I see your license?" he asked.

"No." the angler said. "You're not on duty."

Let the teacher look it up

While her third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked the teacher how to spell "piranha."

She told him she was unsure. To her delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when she overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

Properly outfitted

Before he left on a business trip, Adam took his young son aside.

"Cameron," he said, "I'm trusting you to take care of the family. You'll be the man of the house."

Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Cameron said, "In that case, I'm going to need the remote."

Tasty treat

Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?

A: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

Check, please

Her husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years she had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, she said, "I married you for better or worse but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited her to join him afterward.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

She happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day they were seated, and the waiter came to take their order.

Her husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes, and said, "Separate checks, please."

Good at pretend

The new dad was wonderful with his baby daughter but often turned to his wife for advice. One day his wife was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," the wife replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home."

A few minutes later, her cell phone rang. She answered it to hear her husband ask, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh ... what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

Surefire solution

A couple were headed to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?"

Without hesitation her father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."