It's a question that came up once on an episode of "Cheers." It's a really stupid question, and one that only a bunch of beer-swilling barflies would ask, but in these days of summer heat and humidity it has a certain resonance.
What is the sweatiest movie ever made?
Now, we're not asking about what movie was the hardest to make.
Shawn RyanNo, we're talking plain ol' sweat. Wet. Salty. Eye-stinging. Unpleasant. Some films are absolutely dripping with it. A few that come to mind:
» "Die Hard." Sweat is pretty much guaranteed when you're crawling through air-conditioning ducts or jumping off the sides of high-rises while a bunch of criminals with machine guns are hunting for you. Even when you're as cool as Bruce Willis.
» "Cool Hand Luke." This one is so drenched you need to watch it with a towel. Digging ditches and paving roads in summertime Florida ain't no day at the beach.
» "The Wild Bunch." The sweat here is as much mental as physical. Aging outlaws on the run in the deserts of Mexico and southwest United States, knowing they're too old for this stuff and wanting to make one final score before their bodies give out. Desperation perspiration.
» "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome." The only person who doesn't seem to sweat in this film is Tina Turner as Aunty Entity. Then again, after a worldwide apocalypse, air conditioning is hard to find in the Australian outback - or anywhere, for that matter. Why Mel Gibson would wear tight black leather all the time is a mystery.
» "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre." Until they get chopped up into kibble, the victims are sweating buckets. Happens when a roaring chainsaw is comin' atcha.
» "Lawrence of Arabia." They say that covering yourself in layers of clothing actually helps keep you cooler in the Arabian desert. A lot of the folks in this movie don't seem all that comfortable, though.
» "Alien," "Aliens," "Aliens 3" and "Alien: Resurrection." In space, no one can hear you scream, but they sure can see you sweat.
» "Apocalypse Now." The movie starts with Martin Sheen lying under a slowly spinning fan and sweating his brains out (and losing those brains at the same time). I don't think he ever stops sweating throughout the whole three-hour movie. Marlon Brando uses a rag to drip water on his bald noggin, something he did not as a character affectation, but because he was so darn hot during filming.
Contact Shawn Ryan at mshawnryan@gmail.com.