Shawn RyanFor anyone whose job includes doing reviews, be it movies, TV, theater, books, music, whatever, there's one question that crops up regularly: "What's the best 'blank' you've ever seen?"
It's a darned-near-impossible question to answer. There have been so many superb shows, you can't name one as the be-all-end-all.
On the other hand, it's easy to remember the worst ones; they stand out like a cockroach floating in your milk.
I saw hundreds of concerts when I was reviewing shows at the Birmingham News in the mid-'80s and early '90s and many more during my teenage and early adult years. Some were beyond bad.
* 2 Live Crew. I'm almost impossible to offend, but this show offended me. Pulling women onstage then performing simulated sex acts on them was just plain gross; the one with the full gallon milk jugs was especially rude (use your imagination). And beyond that, 2 Live Crew is lousy hip-hop.
* Harry Connick Jr. In 1994, Connick wasn't doing his big band/Frank Sinatra-ish act; he was touring behind "She," a tribute to the funk in his hometown of New Orleans. Connick apparently has had a funk bypass; the show sounded like a zoo burning down.
* Deep Purple. On the "Come Taste the Band" tour in 1976, they sold out Atlanta's Omni, about 18,000. By the time they came out for an encore, there may have been 300 people left. Yeah, that bad.
* Bob Dylan. I've seen Dylan twice. In 1992, he was amazing, but two years earlier he was a trainwreck. Songs were virtually unrecognizable; didn't recognize "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" until the second verse. The guy sitting next to me had seen him something like 30 times. At one point he said, "Tonight, he's trying to be a poet, not focusing on the music but trying to extract meaning from every word." I replied, "Well, whatever he's doing, it sucks."
* Tesla. Remember them? Don't. Too drunk to play.
* Jane's Addiction. Playing a somewhat-rathole-ish club in Birmingham, founder Perry Farrell was so offended, he walked offstage after 30 minutes.
* Kiss. Saw the "Kiss Alive" tour in 1974 (hey, I was a teenage boy). They started with the first song on side one of the LP, played through - in order - to the last song on side four and even said the same exact things between songs as they said on the album.
* Pink Floyd. "Animals" Tour. Bad album. Dull performance. None of the inflatable animals inflated properly. Guy threw up on my feet.
Contact Shawn Ryan at sryan@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6327.