DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10
Top 10 thoughts going through this woman's mind at this moment (fan who was kicked in the head by Miguel during Billboard Music Awards):
10. "Was that supposed to happen?"
9. "Where is the 'No Kicking' section?"
8. "I wonder if Miguel will sign my neck brace."
7. "Why couldn't I be kicked by someone I've heard of?"
6. "Does this count as a 'meet-and-greet'?"
5. "Go Pacers!"
4. "I'd be famous if anybody was watching this."
3. "Sorry I can't stick around to boo Justin Bieber."
2. "Isn't this what killed Margaret Thatcher?"
1. "If it was Cee Lo, I'd be dead."
Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says, "Boy, it's hot in here."
The other replies, "Shut your mouth."
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island.
Then one morning, he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
Filled with the spirit
A family strong in their Baptist faith decide they want to get a pet. They have one requirement: The pet has to be Baptist, too.
So they drive to the pet store and ask the owner, "Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?"
Surprised by the question, the owner thinks for a moment, then says, "You know, I think I might just have a dog that fits your description."
He walks over to a row of cages and brings out a small dog to the family.
The father says, "We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog."
The father says to the dog, "Go find a Bible."
Unbelievably, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street and into a church, returning with, of all things, a Bible in its mouth. He runs up to the family and lays the book at their feet.
Genuinely impressed, the father continues, "Let's see if this dog knows what's in the Bible.
"Turn to the book of Psalms," he commands the dog.
The dog immediately opens the Bible with its nose and paws through the pages, stopping when it reaches Psalms.
Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they take it home. The next day, a friend stops by for a visit. Proudly, the family shows off the little Baptist dog and the things it can do.
The friend is, of course, impressed. He says, "That's really nice, but can it do tricks that normal dogs can do?"
The Baptist father says, "Hmm, I don't know. We've never tried any other commands."
He then orders the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly, the dog leaps onto the father's lap and places its paw on the man's head and starts to pray.
"Wait a minute," the friend says. "That dog isn't Baptist. It's Pentecostal!"
Sins and shortcomings
Four pastors who are very good friends are enjoying a meal together when Pastor No. 1 says, "We have been very good friends for many years. I feel bad for keeping a secret from you all. I wish to confess. I am an alcoholic. I know it's bad, but I can't help it. I feel better after confessing it.
Pastor No. 2 says, "Since you started it, I might as well confess my sin. I am addicted to gambling. I am a regular at the casino. I don't like it, but I can't stop. Maybe after this, I will be able to stop my addiction."
Pastor No. 3 says, "It's OK. Your sins are not that serious. It is I who should be ashamed. I am having an affair with one of my church members, who is married."
As they try to comfort Pastor No. 3, the others realize that Pastor No. 4 has stayed silent.
Pastor No. 1 says to him, "We have made our confessions. Have you no sin?"
Pastor No. 4 says, "It doesn't matter. We don't have to go on. Let's just stop here."
Pastor No. 2 says, "Come on. All of us have come clean about our failings. What can be worse than alcoholism, gambling and adultery?"
Pastor No. 4 insists, "You wouldn't want to know."
Pastor No. 3 assures him that he is among friends and that he should feel free to confess his sin.
Pastor No. 4 sighs and says, "OK, I'm the biggest gossip. I can't keep a secret to save my life."
What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?
Try it again
Dave takes his wife out to a local restaurant. As they're eating dinner, he drops his fork. A waiter appears almost instantly and replaces it with a new one.
Dave is very impressed by this and decides to test the waiter by dropping his napkin this time.
Sure enough, the waiter quickly appears and replaces it with a new one.
Dave thinks about this for a moment and then pushes his wife off her chair.
Keeping it real
Ed's job as a greeter at the local Walmart lasted less than a day. Here's why.
About two hours into his first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As he had been instructed, Ed said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "(Bleep) no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the (bleep) would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'
Ed replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone had been intimate with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
His supervisor said he probably wasn't cut out for that line of work.
Without a paddle
A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a corn field, rowing.
The blonde in the car stops and starts yelling at the woman in the rowboat, telling her it is blondes like her that give them all a bad name.
"And if I could swim," she adds for good measure, "I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.