Late Night Laughs

Election update

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles. — Seth Meyers

Hillary’s press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her “surprised” face. — Jimmy Fallon

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out “Trump!” to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually “Trump” is a signal for “Illegal Use of Hands.” — Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy. — Conan O’Brien

In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent. — Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton got quite a scare tonight [Halloween]. I guess a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector. — Jimmy Fallon

When kids rang Donald Trump’s bell and yelled, “Trick or treat,” Trump yelled “Trick,” and before the kids could grab any candy, declared bankruptcy. Boom, just like that. — Jimmy Fallon

› Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary’s private email server came back from the dead. — Seth Meyers

After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, “Just cancel the election and give it to Trump.” And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, “OK.” — Seth Meyers

A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again.

NASA’s early-warning asteroid intruder alert system spotted an asteroid as it passed by Earth last night, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Come back, asteroid!”

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Lisa Denton

Moped vs. Corvette

In a small town with only one traffic light, a man named Cletus has saved up his money and bought a moped.

One day Cletus is at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulls up next to him. Cletus has never seen anything like this in his life. The Corvette has its top down, so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior.

This annoys the driver of the Vette so when the light turns green, he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60 mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his moped.

The driver of the Vette says to himself, "This clown wants to race."

Shifting into fourth gear, he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in a cloud of dust as he juices the car up to 100 mph.

Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear-view mirror. He can't believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his moped. The driver of the Vette shifts into sixth gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150 mph.

But once again, Cletus passes him like he's standing still. Shocked, the driver of the Vette pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him.

The driver of the Vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his moped.

Puzzled, Cletus replies, "Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off your side-view mirror."

Say what?

An elderly man is visiting a doctor for his checkup. As he's leaving, he asks the doctor if he can recommend a specialist for his wife.

"What's wrong with her?" asks the doctor. The old man explains that her hearing is getting so bad that it's almost embarrassing.

The doctor says he knows of several specialists who could help, but he wants the old man to do a little test when he gets home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss.

The doctor says, "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers, and let me know the results."

When the old man gets home, he sees his wife is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She's at the counter with her back to the door as he walks in.

"What's for dinner?" the old man asks.

His wife doesn't respond, so he walks a little closer, just as the doctor instructed, and asks the question again.

Still, he is greeted with silence.

So this time he walks up right behind her and asks again, "What's for dinner?"

His wife spins around, a bit agitated, and says, "For the third time, fried chicken!"

Current events


* It was announced that Shaquille O'Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, "frosted Cheerios." — Jimmy Fallon

* A new report says North Korea's elite get to enjoy perks like pizzas, pony rides and dolphin shows. In other words: Kim Jong Un is running his country like a divorced dad with weekend custody. — Conan O'Brien

* In South Carolina, a woman was convicted of defrauding her sorority of $235,000. It was the landmark case of Jen v. A Bunch of Ashleys. — Conan O'Brien

* The ride share company Uber announced a promotion this week called Uber Health where people can use their app toward a free flu shot. So yeah, if you don't mind a high-tech company known for tracking people's movements injecting you with a random substance, this is for you. — James Corden

* Microsoft announced a free update to Windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3D. Critics are calling it "the most exciting thing you'll ever explain to your grandma." — Seth Meyers

* A school in California is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade each other's classwork. So good luck to the students at "Straight A's Academy!" — Seth Meyers

* According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese's got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College. — Jimmy Kimmel

* Imagine what an amazing place America would be if we put as much time and effort as we do into our Halloween costumes into literally anything else. — Jimmy Kimmel

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.


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