Late Night Laughs
Around the White House
› Today was the deadline to file your taxes. I guess Trump got some good news this year. He got to write off the first 100 days of his presidency as a total loss. Good for him. — Jimmy Fallon
› Several days ago, President Trump said an American aircraft carrier was heading toward North Korea, but it turns out it was sailing in the opposite direction. It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor. — Conan O’Brien
› Our relationship with North Korea is especially tense right now. And one way or another, Donald Trump is going to do something about that [plays clip of Trump saying Bill Clinton and Obama “have all been outplayed by this gentleman”] — just as soon as he figures out that Kim Jong-un and his father, Kim Jong-il, are two different people. — Jimmy Kimmel
› Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong-un with his father, Kim Jong-il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” — Jimmy Fallon
› Does Trump really not know that when Bill Clinton was president, Kim Jong-un was 16 years old? This is crazy! There’s a 50-50 chance we might accidentally bomb South Korea if we’re not careful. — Jimmy Kimmel
› To be fair, there are a lot of Kims out there. As a service to our president I thought we’d make it clear [shows photos]: This is Kim Jong-il. He is very dead. This is Kim Jong-un. He is still alive. And this is Lil Kim. She has nothing to do with any of it; leave her alone. — Jimmy Kimmel
› Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a “super mighty preemptive strike.” When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, “Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it.” — Conan O’Brien
› A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” — Conan O’Brien
› The New England Patriots visited the White House, and Patriots star Rob Gronkowski interrupted Sean Spicer’s White House press briefing and asked if he needed help. Reporters all laughed while Sean Spicer whispered, “Yes.” — Jimmy Fallon
› Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they’re more commonly known, “The redneck Holy Trinity.” — Jimmy Fallon
› Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn’t make it. — Conan O’Brien
› Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of “Cops” broke out. — Conan O’Brien
To celebrate, enunciate
Bill's second anniversary was coming up, and if there was one thing that got his wife, Suzy, upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co-workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note: "Happy Anniversary, Year Number Two!"
The morning of the anniversary, Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited eagerly in the kitchen.
"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!" Suzy yelled angrily as she walked back into the kitchen, holding up his well-thought-out note, "Happy Anniversary, You're Number Two!"
A man dies and goes to his judgment.
As he stands before the pearly gates, St. Peter tells him, "Before you meet with God, I should tell you, we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thinks for a moment and replies, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. I tore the ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"
"Wow, that's impressive," St. Peter says, rifling through his papers. "When did this happen?"
The man says, "About three minutes ago."
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the doctor after much urging by his wife, Hazel. After a thorough examination, with much input from Hazel, the doctor was ready to tell Harry his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out, the doctor explained. He would need six months of pure relaxation.
Hazel, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
"How should I go about it?" asked Harry.
"OK," said the doctor. "First, I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day."
» Fox News announced that Bill O'Reilly has been fired after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, "Welcome aboard!" — Jimmy Fallon
» I saw that earlier today, O'Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O'Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, "You know what? I'll come back tomorrow." — Jimmy Fallon
» One person who hasn't had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict "28 strikes and you're out" policy. — James Corden
» This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can't host a talk show. You can be president, but you can't host a talk show. — James Corden
» In addition to being cable's top-rated host, O'Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Reagan" and "Killing Kennedy." And I really look forward to his next book, "Killing Time at Home." — James Corden
» Bill O'Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It's not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. — Stephen Colbert
» After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O'Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I'd just like to say to [sidekick] Andy [Richter], "Nice rack." — Conan O'Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.