With apologies to Neil Konouchi (see Page H3).
A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums.
"What is that drumming?" he asked nervously.
The native replied, "Drums OK, but if they stop it would be very bad."
The drums continued for three days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning, the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent.
With panic in his voice, the missionary calls out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, a regular Adonis.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
* Last night, "The Young Pope" premiered on HBO. You can tell this pope is young because when people say, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." He just goes, "K." — Jimmy Fallon
* Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency. It's too bad; the circus employs 500 people who are now sadly packing their things and all getting to a single clown car. — Stephen Colbert
* It was announced that Alex Rodriguez will host a reality TV show featuring former athletes who are now broke. Or as that's already known, "Dancing With the Stars." — Conan O'Brien
* A Russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have Mariah Carey and Sir Elton John perform at his teenage granddaughter's wedding. Said his teenage granddaughter, "Who are these people?" — Seth Meyers
* A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he's buying it! — Seth Meyers
* A man and his 75-year-old mom survived being lifted out of their home during a tornado by sitting together in a bathtub. The man said the tornado didn't traumatize him but being in a bathtub with his mother did. — Conan O'Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Late Night Laughs
The Trump adjustment
* President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump’s gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade. — Jimmy Fallon
* Trump is trying to get down to business. In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the U.S. In fact he even pitched them the idea for a new car: “The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You’d Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)” — Jimmy Fallon
* President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford and General Motors. And he asked them one question, “How many people do you think were at my inauguration?” — Seth Meyers
* Tonight President Trump continued with his mysterious and puzzling claim that voter fraud cost him the popular vote in the election. He says 3 million to 5 million illegal voters chose Hillary over him. He knows if that’s true he still has to be president, right? — Jimmy Kimmel
* President Trump has called for an investigation into voter fraud during the presidential election. Trump said, “I mean for God’s sake, look who they chose!” — Conan O’Brien
* Trump tweeted this morning, “I will be asking for a major investigation into voter fraud, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal, and” — he goes on to another one — “even those registered to vote who are dead, and many for a long time.” That’s right, dead people voted. And I like that he added “many for a long time,” which makes it seem like if newly dead people vote, you can forgive that. — Jimmy Kimmel
* According to a report from the Brennan Center for Justice, the rate of voter fraud, the real rate in U.S. elections, is between .00004% and .00009%. In other words, about the same rate as the couples on “The Bachelor” who get married. — Jimmy Kimmel
* It’s a tiny percentage, but there will be a major investigation. He must get to the bottom of why he is stuck with this horrible job he didn’t want. — Jimmy Kimmel
* It is true — I’m not making this up — he did call his inauguration day “A National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong Un. — Conan O’Brien
* ABC will air a prime-time special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn’t even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people. — Jimmy Fallon
* President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it. — Jimmy Fallon
* President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said, “I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified.” — Conan O’Brien