Chattanooga Now Punchlines

Chattanooga Now Punchlines

November 29th, 2017 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

New machine

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day, the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine and asked if he could be allowed to work the machine.

The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.

The store manager explained to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

 

Notable quotes

» "It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows." — Mitch Hedberg

» "I try to eat at least 100 grams of fat per meal. I'm building up my immunity to cholesterol." — Cartoonist Randy Glasbergen

» "I'm not a glutton. I'm an explorer of food." — Erma Bombeck

 

Quickies

Q: How do you maintain a well-rounded diet?

A: Doughnuts, pizza, layer cake, hamburgers, cookies

Q: What starts with "t," ends with "t" and is filled with "t"?

A: A teapot.

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?

A: Turn off the light.

Q: Why did the orange go out with the prune?

A: Because he couldn't find a date.

Q: What do you call a sad coffee?

A: Depresso.

Q: Why was the cookie sad?

A: Because his mom was a wafer so long.

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?

A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An impasta.

Q: What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

A: Cashew.

Q: What is the world's most popular wine?

A: But I don't like Brussels sprouts.

Q: What do you call it when salt, pepper, garlic and basil say hello?

A: Season's greetings.

 

Lisa Denton

Lisa Denton

Photo by Contributed Photo /Times Free Press.

Misfortune

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month, my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

 

Consolation prize

A husband tells his wife, "Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?"

The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.

Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color."

 

Taken literally

A man brings his prescription home from the pharmacy, grabs a knife from the kitchen drawer and starts cutting all the edges off the pills.

His wife says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He says, "Trying to avoid the side effects."

 

Today's topic

The teacher stood before the class and announced, "Our topic for today is photosynthesis."

She looked around the room, pointed to John and asked, "What is photosynthesis?"

John replied, "Photosynthesis is our topic today!"

 

Back story

The dentist asked a new patient how he lost three teeth.

The man said, "My wife prepared pancakes, and they were very hard to eat."

The dentist said, "Then you could have refused to eat them."

The man said, "I did, and that's how I lost three teeth."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Late Night Laughs

Around the White House

Infighting continues within the Republican Party. On Saturday, Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake was caught on mic when he made a remark, saying, “If we become the party of Roy Moore and Donald Trump, we are toast.” If? If you become the party of Donald Trump? He’s the president of the United States! That’s like the Catholic Church going, “Why does everyone keep associating us with Pope Francis? — James Corden

Flake was caught on camera dissing his own party, saying, “If we become the party of Roy Moore and Donald Trump, we are toast.” Sen. Flake, that’s a little too hard on toast. — Stephen Colbert

President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House today, where he said, “I’m pleased to report that, unlike millions of other turkeys at this time of the year, Drumstick has a very, very bright future ahead of him.” Though I bet the turkey would feel more confident about that if they would stop calling him Drumstick. — Seth Meyers

But there were actually two turkeys, and before the ceremony the White House tweeted out a poll asking people which turkey should be pardoned. Leave it to Trump to turn a fun annual tradition into “Sophie’s Choice.” — Jimmy Fallon

Before the ceremony, the White House actually tweeted out profiles for each bird. Kind of cute. This is real. Here’s a profile for Drumstick. It says stuff like, date of birth, height and wingspan. Well, this is kind of weird, after they met Trump, the turkeys actually released a profile of him. Take a look. First it says, date of birth, June 14th, 1946. For height, it says 6’2,” and for height of tie, it says, 6’4.” For wingspan it says 6 feet. And for hand span it says, 3 inches. For mating call, it says, “Come on, Melania, I know you’re not really asleep.” Finally, for bird call, it says, “Tweet, tweet, tweet.” — Jimmy Fallon

There was some big news out of Washington yesterday. It was announced that the Donald J. Trump Foundation, the Trump family’s charity, is shutting down. He’s shutting down his charity right before Christmas. If Trump wasn’t going to be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve before, he definitely is now. — James Corden

The attorney general says they can’t shut down the charity because it’s currently being investigated. I guess, when they heard Trump was doing something nice for other people, they were, like, “This sounds suspicious.” — James Corden

CBS just fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave. – Jimmy Fallon

CBS news today fired host Charlie Rose after eight women accused him of sexual harassment. It’s too bad, but if you want to keep your job, you’ve got to get that number up to 16. — Seth Meyers

Al Franken said that he isn’t resigning, but will spend the next few days reflecting. Reflecting is a political term meaning “hope someone else gets busted and this whole thing blows over.” — Jimmy Fallon

Source: www.newsmax.com

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