A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
The woman says, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative and 32 Reform.”
One Hanukkah, a husband said to his wife, “I think there’s something wrong with these latkes, dear. They taste awful.” His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they’re delicious.”
Ariel took latkes to school for lunch during Hanukkah.
“These,” he told his friend Daniel, “are what makes Jews so smart.”
“Let me try one then,” said Daniel.
“Tell you what. I’ll sell you one for $5,” answered Ariel.
So Daniel gave him $5 and bit into the latke. “Hey, there’s nothing special about this!” he exclaimed.
“It must be working already,” said Ariel.
These holiday "headlines" were concocted by the satirists at The Onion. They are completely fabricated, but they have the ring of truth.
-Coal Now Too Expensive To Put in Christmas Stockings
-Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
-Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
-Book Given as Gift Actually Read
The wits at BuzzFeed.com offer this list of big questions (circa 2013, but still relevant) they deem to be the 17 Essential Charts That You Need To Survive the Holidays.
-Do you know how to keep your holidays from being miserable?
If no: You should probably read these.
If yes: No, you don't.
-Should you get a flight home that has a layover?
Ask yourself: Has it ever snowed in your layover city?
If no: Proceed with caution.
If yes: Proceed only if you'd prefer spending the holidays stuck with strangers instead of stuck with your family.
-Should you bring your new significant other home to meet your family?
Ask yourself: Is your family starting to think that you have an imaginary SO?
If no: Don't bring them if you're living in sin; will make Grandma cry.
If yes: You might be a bit overdue.
-Should you talk to your drunk Uncle Kevin?
Ask yourself: Does Uncle Kevin want to talk about anything besides Obamacare?
If no: Make him Dad's problem.
If yes: Bring up any sport except soccer.
-Should you get a Christmas tree?
Ask yourself: Is it still going to be in your living room on Valentine's Day?
No: Go for it!
Yes: Maybe just hang your ornaments on a pile of dirty laundry.
-Should you buy a present for this person?
Ask yourself: Would they visit you if you ended up in the hospital?
If no: Don't throw away your money.
If yes: Buy something, unless you want to throw away the friendship.
-Should you offer to cook the holiday dinner?
Ask yourself: Have you ever given yourself food poisoning?
If no: At least take the batteries out of the smoke detector first.
If yes: Put yourself on dish duty.
-Should you make cookies?
Ask yourself: Do you already have cookies you are having trouble getting rid of?
If no: Make cookies.
If yes: Make cookies anyway.
-Should you send holiday cards?
Ask yourself: Are you only doing this to get out of talking to your relatives?
If no: Call them instead. They miss you.
If yes: Well played.
-Should you bring alcohol to your family dinner?
Ask yourself: Do you have something bad to tell them?
If no: Bring just enough for yourself.
If yes: Bring enough for everybody.
-Should you have another eggnog?
Ask yourself: Have you told any children that Santa isn't real?
If no: Keep drinking.
If yes: Switch to water.
-Should you stay with your parents or get a hotel?
Ask yourself: Are you also bringing home someone you aren't married to?
If no: Enjoy shacking up in your old race-car bed.
If yes: Get a hotel room, you two.
-Should you hang out with your high school friends while you're home?
Ask yourself: Will you also have to hang out with your high school friends' kids?
If no: Meet them at Applebee's.
If yes: Make up a pet. Pretend it is sick.
-Should you go to your office holiday party?
Ask yourself: Were you recently fired?
If no: Then you don't really have a choice.
If yes: Then you have a good excuse to skip it.
-Should you say the blessing before the holiday meal?
Ask yourself: Are you going to accidentally curse in the middle of it?
If no: Then you'll be fine.
If yes: Let Grandma do it.
-Should you get another Pumpkin Spice Latte?
Ask yourself: Did you drop the last one because your hands were shaking?
If no: To Starbucks!
If yes: To Starbucks, where you should ask to be banned from Starbucks.
-Should you have that extra slice of pie?
Ask yourself: Where are your fat pants?
If on your body: Eat the pie!
If in your closet: Maybe, like, half a slice.
He told his wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it landed would be the holiday destination.
"Look!" she said, excitedly. "Looks like it's the Caribbean!"
"Great," he replied. "Now let's see where I'm going."
The good lights
A customer walked into the store looking for Christmas lights. The clerk showed her their top brand, but — wanting to make sure each bulb worked — she asked him to take the lights out of the box and plug them in.
He did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
The clerk carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as he handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't want this box," she said. "It's been opened."