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Late Night Laughs:

Golden Globes

As part of his opening monologue at Sunday’s Golden Globes, host Seth Meyers adapted a bit from his late-night show in which he set up a joke, then let a celebrity in the audience deliver the punchline.

› Meyers: “The Golden Globes turned 75 this year …”

Jessica Chastain: “… but the actress that plays its wife is still only 32.”

› Meyers: “’Call Me by Your Name’ is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It’s a gay coming-of-age film.”

Billy Eichner: “Said Kevin Spacey: ‘You lost me at ‘of age.’

Meyers: And you thought it was mean when I said he didn’t have a Southern accent” [in ‘House of Cards’].”

› Meyers: “’Insecure’ creator Issa Rae currently has three projects in development at HBO …”

Issa Rae: “That’s right, and ‘three projects’ is also where they think I’m from.”

› Meyers: “According to a recent article, only 5 percent of speaking roles in Hollywood are played by Asian actors …”

Hong Chau: “… but those numbers might be off since a white person did the math.”

Withholding affection

A wife complains to her husband, "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can't you do the same?"

The husband says, "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"

 

Second opinion

A wife is concerned about her husband's behavior, so she consults a psychiatrist.

"He's acting so weird," she tells the psychiatrist. "He drinks his morning coffee and then he eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!"

The psychiatrist says, "Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part."

 

Bad news

Doctor: I'm sorry, but tests show you have a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.

Patient: What do you mean 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!

Doctor: Nine.

 

Best in the biz

Martin was the best door-to-door security salesman for many years running. All he had to do was leave a brochure on the kitchen table when nobody was home.

 

Insomnia cure

Doctor: I've found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.

Patient: Great, how often do I have to take it?

Doctor: Every two hours.

 

Walk-about

Harry says, "Hey, Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Sue says, "Oh, Harry, that would be lovely.

Harry says, "Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?"

 

Physically unfit

Doctor: Are you physically active?

Patient: Does sex count?

Doctor: Yes.

Patient: Then no.

 

some text
Lisa Denton

Bakery bits

A man enters a bakery and says to the clerk, "I'll have that thing there please."

The clerk says, "Cupcake?"

The man says, "OK, Cupcake, I'll have that thing there please."

 

Eye ow

Patient: Doctor, can you help me please? Every time I drink a cup of coffee, I get this intense stinging in my eye.

Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

 

Back for more

In a boomerang store, the customer approaches the counter and says, "I'd like to buy a new boomerang, and can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"

 

M&M's, Part 1

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

 

M&M's, Part 2

Why was the blond fired from the M&M's factory?

She kept throwing out the W's.

 

Train training

A man who has spent his whole life away from civilization one day ventures into town to visit a friend. He's never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While he's standing there pondering what these tracks are, he hears a whistle, not knowing what it is or that he should move away from the tracks.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. In the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen and asks, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

 

Evolution of man

» Men, circa 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

» Men, 1952: I just fixed the roof.

» Men, 2018: I just shaved my legs.

 

Quickie

Q: Why do people never eat clocks?

A: It's really time-consuming.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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