Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

January 9th, 2019 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Pop-culture laughs: Golden Globes

For the most part, hosts Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh played nice at the 76th Golden Globe Awards on Sunday, says Reid Nakamura of TheWrap.com. But they still pulled off a few zingers at Hollywood’s expense. These were some of Nakamura’s favorites:

“We are going to have some fun, give out some awards and one lucky audience member will host the Oscars!”

“Some of you may be wondering why the two of us are hosting together.”

“And the reason is, we’re the only two people left in Hollywood who haven’t gotten in trouble for saying something offensive.”

“You know what race of people really gets under my skin? The Hollywood half-marathon, because it really messes up traffic … it’s the worst race of people.”

“Vice is an intense drama about Dick Chaney.”

“But it’s actually up for Best Musical or Comedy because it erroneously invaded the wrong category based on false intelligence.”

Job search

» I just lost my job as a psychic. I did not see that coming.

» I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn't do it anymore.

» I loved being a maze designer. But I got completely lost in my work.

» Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

» After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

» Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

» I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Lisa Denton

Lisa Denton

Photo by Contributed Photo /Times Free Press.

» Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just couldn't find the thyme.

» I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

» My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

» I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

» I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

» I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

» I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

» I had a job at the orange juice factory. I got fired because I couldn't concentrate.

» I used to be a postman until I got the sack.

» I worked at the bank as a teller until I started losing interest.

» I focused on being a photographer, but nothing ever developed.

» After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

» Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

» I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well. I boxed all the right ticks.

 

Life up North

A couple purchased a home in upper Maine from two elderly sisters. With winter approaching, the wife was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.

"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" her husband confidently declared.

One night, the temperature plunged to below zero, and they awoke to find interior walls covered with frost. The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

 

Rapid weight loss

When she stepped on the scale at her doctor's office, the woman was surprised to see that she weighed 144 pounds.

"Why don't you just take off that last four?" she joked as the nurse's aide made a notation on her chart.

A few moments later, the doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

"I see you've lost weight," he said. "You're down to 14 pounds."

 

Medical condition

A sweet grandmother telephoned the hospital (in the days before HIPAA privacy rules) and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

 

Mistaken identity

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few feet away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman replied, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

Net result

The doctor was famous for always catching large fish and for winning fishing trophies.

One day while he was out on the lake on one of his frequent fishing trips, he got a call that a woman was giving birth. He hurried to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 pounds, 10 ounces.

 

Movie buddy

One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater.

"I'm afraid I can't let your elephant in here, sir," the manager says.

"Oh, I assure you, he's very well behaved," the man says.

"All right then," the manager says. "If you're sure."

After the movie, the manager says to the man, "I'm very surprised! Your elephant was well-behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!"

"Yes, I was surprised, too," says the man. "He hated the book."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.