Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Now Laugh Lines

May 21st, 2019 by Lisa Denton in Chattnow Outabout

Brave solider

Gen. McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague, Gen. Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrived at the military camp and was greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asked, "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gen. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, I would say they're the bravest men in the military."

"Well, my men are very brave, too," said Marshall.

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall called a private over. "Private Johnson! See that tank coming? I want you to stop it with your body!"

Pvt. Johnson said, "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" He turned and ran away.

Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

 

GOTchas

The Twitterverse weighs in on the season finale "Game of Thrones":

* BridgerWinegar @bridger_w:

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it's important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair.

* Donkey Kong Country @xdoctortx:

Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use Twitter? Because he killed all 140 characters.

* Kevin VanOrd @fiddlecub:

Some guy is so intent on spoiling Game of Thrones that he actually wrote a series of novels dedicated to telling you what's going to happen.

* Erica @SCbchbum:

At this point, the only thing that could shock me on Game of Thrones is if someone died of natural causes.

* Pat Tobin @tastefactory:

Me: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That's her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.

Guy on subway: I didn't say anything.

* Lori Claudio @amused2Bhere:

Night's Watch: This Wall has protected us for 1000s of years. Nothing can breach it.

Night King: Hold my beer.

* Hippo @InternetHippo

[Game of Thrones meeting]

What should the dragon's name be?

Drogon?

Nice. When'd you think of that?

Today while driving my station wogon.

* Emily McCracken @emilyjmccracken:

Dany talking about her dragons and glaring at Jon when he doesn't say they're beautiful is every "dog mom" I know.

* Hayes Brown @HayesBrown:

Producers: We need to substantially cut actor costs for the final two seasons.

Writers: Say no more.

* Darth Vader @DarthVader:

And here I believed that my family was messed up.

 

Goodbye, teacher

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

B4.

B4 who?

B4 you leave for summer vacation, thank your teacher.

***

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Dewey.

Dewey who?

Dewey get the whole summer off from school?

***

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Noah.

Noah who?

Noah more school. It's summer vacation.

 

Good comeback

When you're dressed all in black and some smart-aleck says, "Who died?" look around the room and say, "I haven't decided yet."

Happy anniversary

The wife says, "Honey, our wedding anniversary is coming up in a week. How do you think we should celebrate?

The husband says, "With a moment of silence."

 

Coffee klatch

Two friends are talking over lunch. One says, "When I drink coffee, I can't sleep."

The other says, "Really? I'm the exact opposite."

"Seriously?"

Yes, when I sleep, I can't drink coffee."

 

Seminar starting

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 a.m.

"What are you doing out so late, sir?" asks the police officer.

"I'm going to a seminar on 'The Harmful Effects of Alcohol,'" replies the man.

"Come on," says the police officer, "who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?"

The man sighs, "My wife."

 

Silly sheep jokes

* What do you get when you cross a lamb and a rocket? A space sheep.

* Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes? He's herd them all.

* Where does steel wool come from? Battlesheep.

* What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A candy baa.

* Why did the cop give the sheep a ticket? Because she made an illegal ewe turn.

* Why did the sheep keep getting dirty? It liked to take baaaaths.

* What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a sullen cow? An animal that's in a baaaad mooood.

 

Age is a number

A grandpa, who was turning 72, and his granddaughter, who was turning 7, had their birthdays on the same day.

The granddaughter told her grandpa that he was a lot older then her.

Being older and wiser, he said "No, we are the same age."

She said, "But grandpa, I am only 7. What number are you?"

He replied, "Yes, you are, and I am only seven-two!"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Late Night Laughs: Current events

Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (May 13):

› President Trump yesterday complimented authoritarian Hungarian Prime Minister Victor Orban, saying that Orban is, quote, “A little bit controversial, and that’s OK.” “A little bit controversial?” The guy’s a dictator, and you’re talking about him like he’s cilantro. Which, by the way, is a devil weed, and if you like it, you are a bad person.

› Today was Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s 35th birthday, and if you’re wondering what he wants — your personal data.

› According to CNN, the TSA will send as many as 400 employees to assist with increased traffic of the southern border, and I got to say, that might actually work. A wall won’t stop people from getting in, but the TSA’s been training for this. [Droning] Everything out of your pockets. Is your belt off? Take your belt off.

› Amazon has announced a software update that will allow its virtual assistant, Alexa, to listen for breaking glass when users leave their house. Now you’ll know if someone breaks into your home to hold a Jewish wedding.

Source: YouTube.com