Rib ticklers

* Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

* What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

* What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? A trombone.

* What instruments can skeletons not play? Organs.

* Did you know there's no such thing as a funny bone? But the upper arm is humerus.


Some with bite

* What is a vampire's favorite breed of dog? A bloodhound.

* What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A nectarine.

* Why is a vampire good to take out for meals? Because he eats necks to nothing.

* Why won't anyone kiss Dracula? Because he has bat breath.

* Why was the vampire in a bad mood? Too much B negative.


Devilish fun

* Why should you always read the fine print? Because the devil is in the details.

* What is the best way to get rid of a demon? Exorcise.

* What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist? Your house gets repossessed.

* What do demons have for breakfast? Deviled eggs.

* Why will you never see Satan in an Armani suit? Because the devil wears Prada.

Late Night Laughs: ‘Tonight Show’ hashtags

From the October 2018 archives, a collection of #WeirdestHalloweenEver stories sent in by viewers of “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon”:

› From @RealAmieJo: We range the bell at a house and the guy was drunk. He had no idea it was Halloween, so he just gave us each a dollar and then turned off his porch light.

› From @Camm_31: Once at the mall, I saw five people walk into a public restroom dressed as Clark Kent. Five minutes later, all five of them came out dressed as Superman.

› From @nataliewilde7: My friend and I were walking through a haunted house when a clown jumped out. My friend freaked out and screamed, “NOT TODAY, (B-WORD)!” then ran away.

› From @gumgumerson: A trick-or-treater once showed up at my door in a poncho that had the name “John” written on it. When we asked what he was, he replied, “I’m John.”

› From @PunkReckless: I was dressed as a fortune teller at a party. A guy asked me to read his palm, so I told him he’d get drunk and have a good time. He came back an hour later and told me I was “the real deal.” Then he fell over a table.

› From @MattLong1: I once got so drunk at a Halloween party that when I got home, I egged my own house.



Pumpkin to talk about

* What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin.

* Do you know how to magically transform a pumpkin? Throw it up in the air, and it comes down squash.

* What did the pumpkin say about the jack-o'-lantern? Looks like somebody's had some work done.

* How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

* What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? Gourdgeous.



* What's wrong with twin witches? You never know which witch is which.

* Which witch turns the lights off at Halloween? The light's witch.

* What do you call a witch's motorbike? A baaaarooooooomm stick.

* What happened to the naughty witch at school? She was ex-spelled.

* What do you call six witches in a hot tub? A self-cleaning coven.



* What do you call a monster that eats too fast? A gobblin' goblin.

* Who did the monster take on a Halloween date? His ghoulfriend.

* What did Frankenstein say about his bride? It was love at first fright.

* What is a monster's favorite game? Hide and shriek.

* What kind of streets do zombies prefer? Dead ends.


Halloween night

The man was walking home late Halloween night when he saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.


The hitchhiker

A young man is on his way to visit a friend way out in the country, but his car breaks down on a dark and lonely road. He is still quite a distance from the friend's house, but he decides maybe he can walk the rest of the way. And so he starts out, but then it begins to rain so heavily that he can't see his hands in front of him.

Unfamiliar with the road and unable to see in the dark and pouring rain, he huddles under a tree waiting for a car to pass.

Hours go by with no traffic passing by and the rain still beating down. The young man is beginning to give up hope. The next town isn't for miles, so he's thinking he might have to stay the night under this tree if he doesn't find a ride.

Just as things are looking grim, he catches sight of a car's headlights moving slowly toward him. He's saved!

Desperate for a ride, he jumps into the slow-moving vehicle without waiting for it to come to a complete stop. When he turns to the driver to say thanks, he realizes to his horror that this moving car has no driver. The rain is so heavy, he can't even hear the sound of the engine as the car continues its journey down the dark and lonely road.

The young man is paralyzed with fear. He's too afraid to jump out of the car and run, too afraid to even move. Then he sees the car is coming to a sharp bend that leads down to dark water, and he begins to pray for his life. He is sure the ghost car will go off the road and into the river, where he will surely drown.

Right before the car makes it to the bend, a shadowy hand reaches in through the driver side window and turns the wheel, guiding the car around the bend. Just as silently, the hand disappears through the window, and the hitchhiker is alone again.

At every bend, the same ghostly hand reaches through the window and turns the wheel. Finally, scared nearly to death, he sees the lights of a town in the distance. He jumps out of the car and runs as fast as he can toward the town.

Wet and in shock, he goes into the nearest bar and tells everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence envelops the room, and everybody gets goosebumps when they realize the guy is telling the truth about the strange car and the ghostly hand that guided it on its way.

Just then, two men walk into the bar. They are dripping wet. As they take off their rain gear, they look around the room, and their eyes come to rest on the hitchhiker. They point at him ominously.

"Look!" says one of the men. "There's the idiot who jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.


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