Dads2Dads: Feelings difficult for dads to express

photo Tom Tozer and Bill Black

In the book "Sons on Fathers: A Book of Men's Writing," Ralph Keyes talks about the emotional uneasiness between fathers and sons.

"Male athletes never mouth, 'Hi, dad!' to TV cameras. No biker has 'Pop' tattooed on his arm. Few men ever say 'I love you' to their dads, no matter how much they yearn to."

Keyes points out that Dwight Eisenhower, after his father died, wrote, "It was always so difficult to let him know the great depth of my affection for him."

How interesting it is that many sons don't say what they truly feel about their father while dad is still living. Too often, it is only when it is time for a eulogy that a son reflects on how little he expressed to his father while he was alive. Keyes believes this may be because the son had too much to say, felt too strongly or loved his dad more than he could put in words. Many men whose dads are gone wish the ol' man was alive again so they could express their true feelings.

Keyes says he wanted write about sons and fathers because it could help other men understand their own feelings of inadequacy in expressing their affection. Dad, if you feel distant from your own father, you are not alone. Many men do and now yearn to be closer. Some no longer have that opportunity. But if we do, will we find it just as difficult and awkward to say anything?

In discussing the frustration men feel about the distance between them and their fathers, Keyes lifts up writer Adam Hochschild, who said the following about his father: "There was always a stiffness in the air between us, as if we were both guests at a party and the host had gone off somewhere without introducing us."

When men gather to talk about common concerns, they often refer to the emotional void that separates them from their fathers. Some call the feeling "father hunger." How many sons feel this way today? Does your son feel this way, dad?

Keyes says many sons recall a preoccupied father, a dad who would come home from work bone tired and have nothing more to give. This is a red flag for fathers who bury themselves in their work and allow their jobs to define who they are. When that happens, dad is not first a dad -- rather he is a dad if and when he can find the time.

Keyes contends that how men feel about their fathers is how they feel about themselves. Many men feel alone in that internal struggle. He advises all dads whose fathers are still living to reach out to them and express their love and gratitude. To men whose fathers are gone, reach out to your sons. They just may yearn to reach out to you ... but not know how.

Tom Tozer and Bill Black are authors of the new book "Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers." Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter at Dads2Dadsllc.com. Contact them at tomandbill@Dads2Dadsllc.com.

Upcoming Events