While looking over a recent pastoral survey, the idea came to me for a survey of my own. And so, with malice toward none and hopefully a healthy laugh for all ...
Dateline: Mooresboro, N.C.
Subject: Recent results of the Apocrypha Group pastoral survey.
* 73 percent of pastors report having members lay out of church because of sickness, then run into those same members later in the day at Wal-Mart.
* 67 percent of those members actually do become sick at that point, as evidenced by them running to hide in the bathroom.
* 81 percent of pastors have titled a message on Ephesians 5:23-24 "The Head of the Home" when they really want to call it: "Pull Up Your Big Boy Britches and Be a Man!"
* 99.999 percent of actual pastors listened to Creflo Dollar's recent request for a $65 million Gulfstream 5 luxury jet, reflexively spewed out their coffee and used the words "charlatan" and "hireling" and "snake oil salesman" in some order within the next three seconds. The other 0.001 percent do not drink coffee.
* 100 percent of pastors have experienced the angst of having the perfect message prepared to help one certain family with what they are struggling with, only to have that be the very service that family did not attend.
* 100 percent of those same pastors have later been accused of not helping that family with its struggles.
* The same 100 percent of pastors have then struggled mightily to restrain the flying fist of fury.
* 89 percent of pastors have had a member go to sleep during a service.
* 97 percent of those pastors have then called on that sleeping person to pray, just out of a sense of mischief.
* 92 percent of pastors do not need "the little blue pill." They need the phone to stop ringing during that special moment as a member calls to ask a question about something that was clearly answered during the service when they were not paying attention.
* 71 percent of pastors have fielded a cellphone call from someone who smokes, drinks, has cable and Internet, is making payments on a 60-inch flatscreen TV -- and wants help paying their power bill.
* 94 percent of young pastors with a young wives have to protect those wives.
* 94 percent of old pastors with old wives have to restrain those wives.
* 67 percent of pastors giggle every time they hear the announcer of a Wake Forest game say the words "Demon Deacons."
* 38 percent of pastors have, at some point, realized that they were humming the tune to that old country song "Take This Job and Shove It."
* And, lastly, a true one. One hundred percent of real, God-called pastors are blessed beyond measure to have received the call. It is the hardest job on earth, but it is also the most rewarding job on earth. No, not monetarily, but certainly in all the ways that matter.
Here's to all you good pastors out there: Keep up the good work; great is your reward in heaven.
Bo Wagner is pastor of the Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, N.C., and the author of several books which are available at wordofhismouth.com. Contact him at 2knowhim@cbc-web.org.