If you are married, chances are good that, at some point in time, the thought of divorce has crossed your mind, but what did you do once you had that thought? That's exactly what researchers with the National Divorce Decision-Making Project wanted to know.
While there has been research on what leads to marital breakdown, very little is known about what actually leads people to consider divorce. As part of the study, 3,000 married people were surveyed in order to better understand what people are thinking when it comes to considering divorce.
Researchers wanted to know things such as: How long have they had these thoughts? Who do they talk to about their thoughts and feelings? What marital problems are they facing? What do they do to address their problems and how helpful are these efforts? How do they make the decision about divorce and whether or not to stay together?
Research results showed:
- Thoughts about divorce are common in our society. More than half of married individuals (ages 25-50) say they have had thoughts about divorce, either in the past or currently. Those thoughts are common well into the second decade of marriage.
- Many in the study thought about divorce in the past, but decided to stay together, and almost all of them are glad they did. They are not only surviving but thriving. Thoughts about divorce don't have to be a sign that separation is imminent.
- Recent thoughts about divorce are common. One in four spouses surveyed had thoughts about divorce in the last six months. While more than half have ever had thoughts - that's exactly what they are, thoughts - they are not necessarily a prelude to marital dissolution and are possibly even a spur toward relationship repair strategies.
- More recent thinkers of divorce want to stay, not leave. They want to fix their problems, and they are not cavalier about divorce.
- Patience, changed attitudes and commitment appear to be common tools that people employ to resolve or simply outlast their marital problems. Fixing problems through direct actions such as counseling, while helpful for some, don't seem to be the primary path for repairing relationships.
Based on their findings, researchers developed practical recommendations for those who might be thinking about divorce and also for their friends and family.
For married individuals thinking about divorce: Those thoughts don't necessarily mean you are headed for divorce court. Many people experience serious marital difficulties, but with patience and commitment they are able to work through or outlast their problems and have a thriving marriage.
For the friends and family members: It is important to remember that just because someone says they are thinking about divorce does not necessarily mean they will pursue one. Listening, giving emotional support and offering an outside perspective were listed as the top three most helpful responses a confidant can give to someone who is distressed about their marriage.
A word of caution: Abuse, affairs and addiction are serious. Encouraging individuals to seek help from a qualified professional who can assess the severity of the problem is a good thing.
Based on the findings from this study, even though people may entertain occasional thoughts about divorce when the going gets tough, it doesn't necessarily mean they are really ready to call it quits. Perhaps in many instances the old adage, "This too shall pass" is a good thing to remember.
Responses from the survey indicate that couples who hunkered down, committed to working on problem areas and sought help when needed ended up being in a much more satisfying place in their marriage over time and were thankful they had not thrown in the towel.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.