When the kids are out of the nest and almost off the payroll, the second half of marriage is within sight. You finally have time to breathe and you suddenly ask, "What in the heck will we do with the second half of our marriage?" How will we deal with the challenges of aging parents, crises with the children, unexpected medical issues, retirement, finances and the like?
While some couples are looking forward with great anticipation to the years ahead, others feel trapped and unhappy in a marriage that is less than fulfilling, wondering if this is all there is. For them, the idea of the second half is quite scary.
What does a thriving marriage look like in the later years? Gary Chapman and Harold Myra interviewed a number of "second half" couples for their book, "Married and Still Loving It: The Joys and Challenges of the Second Half." They found few couples who had escaped the unexpected challenges of life. However, some traits appeared to be significant between marriages that flourish in the second half and those that don't. Laughter and acceptance, resilience and faith seemed to make the difference.
Whether the second half is just around the corner or you find yourself dreaming about it, you can take action to prepare now. Chapman and Myra quote Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier's book, "The Adventure of Living": "To make a success of one's marriage, one must treat it as an adventure, with all the riches and difficulties that are involved in an adventure shared with another person." Even if your marriage is stuck in a rut, you can choose to turn it into an adventure.
After years of marriage, it is easy to note all the differences between you and your spouse, but these differences aren't necessarily a bad thing. Chapman writes, "While differences can be deadly, they can also be delightful."
The key is to figure out how to make your differences an asset instead of a liability. Thriving couples learn to accept their spouse and are even able to laugh about their differences. This goes a long way in finding fulfillment in your marriage.
What about the children? While many couples have terrific relationships with their adult children, others encounter one crisis after another. Chapman and Myra encourage these parents to maintain a balance between self-preservation and self-sacrifice. Many marriages get into trouble when they become so focused on helping the children that they lose themselves. Don't be afraid to seek professional help to overcome these challenges together.
Despite encountering unexpected job loss, illness, children crises and difficulty adjusting to retirement, thriving second half couples are able to keep putting one foot in front of the other. These couples are committed to their marriage, and this enables them to stand together through life's ups and downs.
And finally, these thriving couples say their faith is central to working through personality differences and all the other challenges they face.
Even though you might be experiencing some anxiety about what the future holds in the second half of marriage, Chapman and Myra encourage couples to embrace the challenge and enter this season with great anticipation.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.