"What if you don't respect or appreciate your spouse?"
That's the question a woman asked social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn after she spoke at a conference on the topic of kindness.
Feldhahn encouraged her to take a 30-day Kindness Challenge. The steps are:
» Say nothing negative about that person - either to them or about them.
Julie Baumgardner
» Each day, find one positive thing to praise or affirm about that person. Then tell him or her, and tell someone else.
» Each day, do one small act of kindness or generosity for them.
» You may or may not choose to tell your spouse about the challenge.
Three years later, the same woman approached Feldhahn and said, "You won't remember me, but I asked you a question three years ago about what to do if you don't respect or appreciate your spouse. I decided to take you up on the Kindness Challenge. I learned a lot about myself. I had no idea how unkind I was to my husband. I thought it was all him. As I was kind to him, his defenses lowered. Three years later, we have a great marriage."
Feldhahn says that what she has found in her research "is that when kindness starts to flow, it is really incredible."
"It's actually a real-life superpower. For years, I've been studying what makes people thrive. And I've seen that whether or not we thrive in relationships is far more related to how we treat others than how we ourselves are treated."
Feldhahn believes kindness is the answer in any difficult situation.
"This means being kind when you are super-irritated and you really don't want to be [kind]," Feldhahn shares. "Even in situations where you need boundaries, that is usually the kindest thing you can do. If someone is being abusive, for example, it is not kind to allow that person to continue to destroy their own emotional state by being that way."
For her book "The Kindness Challenge," Feldhahn surveyed study participants extensively before and after the 30-day period. After completing the challenge, 89 percent of all relationships had improved, 74 percent felt more love and affection for their romantic partner and 66 percent felt more love and appreciation by their romantic partner.
"One of the biggest surprises from the research was that most of us already think we are kind," Feldhahn says. "In fact, most of us are totally delusional. We have no idea how often we are unkind without even realizing it. In the book, we identify seven patterns of unkindness and negativity - and every one of us has at least one of them. We encourage everyone to identify their own pattern of negativity - because in most cases it is a pattern across all relationships, not just that one."
Those actually taking the challenge found that their eyes were opened very quickly to that reality and showed them that they also weren't as affirming to the other person as they thought. It also changed their feelings, to appreciate the person more.
As Feldhahn puts it, "That only makes sense, right? After all, if you're irritated with someone, and you tell them that you're irritated, and you tell someone else that you're irritated, are you going to be more or less irritated?"
We all know the answer to that. Just as we know that we'll simply notice the positive more if we're looking for it. And while being kind doesn't take away problems, it often makes them easier to solve.
Feldhahn wants everyone to be transformed because of the Kindness Challenge.
"It's really life-changing," Feldhahn suggests. "It is a training ground to become a truly kind person. You have to designate one person to do the challenge for, but it can be anyone - your spouse, child, friend, in-law, co-worker, anybody."
Like the woman who didn't respect or appreciate her spouse, many challenge takers are pleasantly surprised at the outcome after 30 days.
If you'd like to try it for yourself, you can find out more at jointhekindnesschallenge.com. The outcome just might surprise you, too.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.