Are you headed down the aisle soon? If you are, whether this is your first marriage or not, you probably have some thoughts rolling around in your brain in terms of what you expect from your soon-to-be spouse.
Don't worry; you aren't alone. Almost everyone comes to marriage with some pretty specific ideas about how things will be, whether they realize it or not. These expectations might be based on what people have experienced in their own family (things they liked or didn't like and don't want to repeat), a romantic movie, a previous relationship, even the Hallmark Channel.
Here's the thing: Whether it's how you plan to handle money, accepting support from family and in-laws, how often you will make love, being on time, handling conflict, career aspirations, helping with chores or cleanliness, if you don't talk about your expectations ahead of time, there's a really good chance it could lead to some disappointing and frustrating moments in the future.
People often don't voice their expectations because they fear the other person won't live up to them. If you do talk about them and your spouse-to-be doesn't see these expectations as a big deal or doesn't plan to change their approach to these issues, you may try to convince yourself that once you have a ring on your finger and things are more final, things will be different. Don't be fooled, though: There are plenty of studies indicating the best time to look for behavior change is before the wedding, not after.
Unspoken expectations can silently kill relationships. Do yourself and your intended a favor: Be honest about your expectations. Just because your family did it a certain way doesn't mean you necessarily have to do it the same way. It could be that in the midst of discussing what is important to you both, you realize your expectations aren't realistic or that you want to tweak them a bit to better fit your relationship.
One thing you want to guard against is sacrificing who you are in the name of your relationship. If your faith is very important to you and you strongly expect your fiancé/fiancee to one day share your faith values, realize that change is possible, but it could place a hefty load of tension on your relationship if your faith is in conflict with what they believe.
It's totally possible that you and your intended have expectations of each other that you don't even realize you have. Taking the time to go through a premarital education experience either in person or online could help you both identify things you feel strongly about and help you to work through those issues before you get married. Talking about your expectations ahead of time can save you a lot of headaches and heartache down the road.
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at julieb@firstthings.org.