Times Free Press columnist Mark Kennedy is writing an occasional column about his family's experiences during their coronavirus confinement.
___
I seem to be drifting into something I'll call the "Fetal Position Diet."
I'm craving comfort foods that I remember from the 1970s: unfrosted Pop Tarts and Tater Tots. Also, Pringles potato chips, Moon Pies and Popsicles.
I shared this impulse on Facebook and got lots of "amens" from other boomers.
A few added Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs. I'm not a fan, but if Boyardee is your boy, bon appetit. I prefer SpaghettiOs, which were designed by NASA engineers to save space in outer space. No.
Maybe I'm craving these feel-good foods because there's a summer vibe to this season of social distancing. It's the first time in 48 years I've been away from my workplace for more than two weeks. And I'm going a bit bat crazy.
Beginning in 1972, I worked summers at Derryberry's Drug Store in Columbia, Tennessee, selling prophylactics and hot salted peanuts - although interestingly, never both to the same person at the same time.
Part of my mission as a boomer is to pass along my '70s-era palate to my 21st century children, boys ages 13 and 18.
They have embraced Popsicles, which I predict will be around as long as children have tongues. They turn up their noses at Moon Pies and canned spaghetti, and will barely tolerate Tater Tots and Pringles.
They will not, under any circumstances, eat unfrosted Pot Tarts, which they regard as unfinished, and therefore inedible. I, on the other hand, won't eat frosted Pot Tarts. To me, the icing tastes like petrified milk shake.
On the other hand, I regard unfrosted Pop Tarts as one of world's most perfect foods.
As comedian Jerry Seinfeld has so eloquently explained, Pop Tarts "can't go stale because they were never fresh."
***
As a professional word person, I'm also becoming a little upset about COVID-19 cliches.
The worst cliche is "the new normal." Not only are the words as soft as boiled noodles, they are also untrue. Social distancing is not the "new normal," it is quite abnormal and quickly getting old. The next time I hear "the new normal" I may throw a Pop Tart.
Also, I am not fond of the ubiquitous phrase "we are all in this together." It's not a description of anything tangible, or even a call to action. It's a lame attempt at a virtual group hug.
I was watching a show on TV the other night in which country music stars were at home singing songs into their iPads. (One even had a percussionist banging his first an ottoman.) Almost to a person, they reminded viewers that "we are all in this together," and predicted "we will all be back together soon."
Back together? I was trying to remember the last time I drank Pinot Noir on a 1,000-acre horse farm in Williamson County.
Not ringing a bell.
***
A couple of random questions:
Why are liquor stores considered essential and churches are not?
Also.
How did I miss COVID 1-18? I feel like I'm watching the last episode of Game of Thrones with amnesia.
***
I talked to two people last week who lay hands on people for a living but are currently away from their jobs: a hair stylist and a dentist.
The stylist said she and her husband were having fun watching local TV anchors' hair go bad. Meanwhile, the dentist would not play along when I asked him to walk me through a home DIY tooth extraction.
"I don't think you want to try that," he deadpanned.
That's all for today, folks.
Remember, we are all in this new normal together, and we will all be back together soon.
Or not.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com.
Mark Kennedy / Staff file photoView other columns by Mark Kennedy