Kennedy: Becoming a language scold is just part of growing old

Mark Kennedy / Staff file photo
Mark Kennedy / Staff file photo

I blame my children for my language problems.

I guess falling behind modern word usage is just part of growing old, like aching joints. Also, nose hair.

As an old-ish guy - I'm 61- I count on my Gen Z kids to keep me fluent in 2020 English. Unfortunately, our conversations often involve me talking and them wearing headphones. Occasionally, they will even look up and nod, when I know for a fact they haven't heard a word I said.

This is causing me problems. More and more, my 20th-century word usages just don't work.

Here's an example. I was in one of those discount stores back before Christmas. I forget if it was a Ross store or Marshalls or T.J. Maxx - but one of those.

Anyway, I managed to flag down a teenage shelf stocker to ask for help.

"Hi, where are your billfolds?" I asked politely.

"Our what?" he said, tugging his earbuds out of his ear holes.

"Your billfolds," I repeated. "I can't find them. Where are they?"

It took a second, but I realized that he had no idea what I was talking about. His face could not have been any more blank if I had asked him for bullfrogs instead of billfolds.

I fished out my billfold from my hip pocket and waved it side to side.

"This?" I said, growing impatient. "Do you have any of these?"

"Oh, wallets," he said. "Yes. They're right behind you."

I have felt trapped in this language deficit for awhile. A couple of years ago, my family was in a restaurant. It came time to go and, I asked for a doggy bag.

This caused furrowed brows in all directions, including from the waiter. A doggy what?

In this instance, my children helped me understand that what I actually required was a "to-go box." Apparently nobody had fed table scraps to a dog since 1968.

Welp. Who knew?

Also, last week I went to a doughnut shop to buy snacks for a class I teach at UTC. The clerk placed a dozen doughnuts in a box - half glazed and half with chocolate icing - and slid them across the counter.

"Um, can you please put those in a sack," I said. "I've got to carry them a long way."

"A what?" the clerk said.

"A sack," I repeated. "I have to carry them several blocks."

"You mean like a bag?" she said with knitted brow.

"Yes, sure, a bag," I said.

Later, the members of my class of mostly Gen Z people sided with the clerk. One student said she would never in a million years have asked anyone to place a box of doughnuts in a "sack."

"OK," I said, chastened.

Still, it hurts my feelings that the language has left me behind. For years, I used to wonder why old people would take pains to flag any grammatical or usage errors in my writing.

Now, I know. Sometimes it feels like language is spinning out of control, and you just want to tackle it and make it stop moving.

All this word confusion last week made me want to put my debit card back in my billfold, unsack the doughnuts and feed them to my dog.

Getting old is not nearly as easy as it sounds.

photo Mark Kennedy / Staff file photo

View other columns by Mark Kennedy

Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645.

Upcoming Events