Are you overwhelmed with deadlines at work, kids in school, the weekly to-do list, health concerns, drama on social media? Is stress taking a toll on your relationship? Do you find yourself taking out your stress on your significant other? If so, you're not alone. Stress, handled wrongly, hurts relationships. It's a reality. Often it's the small stressors that build up and do damage.
We all face daily stresses. Wouldn't it be nice if we could use a magic wand and remove all the stress in our lives? The reality is we have to learn to manage stress, not let stress manage us.
SYMPTOMS
Here's how to tell if stress is impacting your relationship:
* Stressed-out people are more withdrawn. When you're stressed, you may pull away from those you love or be less affectionate. Maybe you're working longer hours, spending more time alone or camping out in front of the TV as a way of escaping all you have to deal with. Isolating yourself can damage your relationship.
* Stressed-out people see the worst in others. When we're stressed, it's easy to allow the small things to overwhelm us. A minor thing your spouse does, like not picking up their shoes, suddenly becomes a sign of disrespect and a lack of appreciation. Maybe they just forgot their shoes. But stress is blurring your vision, and you see them doing it out of spite.
*' Stress leads to exhaustion. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Whether the tension stems from work, kids or our calendars, it bleeds over into all aspects of our lives. Have you ever noticed that when you're mentally exhausted, you just want to sleep? Stress takes a toll on our bodies. This leaves our spouse feeling neglected.
* Stress makes us irritable. Who wants to be around grumpy people? The longer the stress lasts, the crankier you get. This can lead to arguments and hurtful words.
* Stress causes us to put other things in front of our relationship. Technology is a fabulous tool but can also be a source of stress. Endless work texts or emails can interrupt time with your spouse. When we are stressed due to work or other obligations, it becomes easy to prioritize those above our relationship.
STRATEGIES
If you find yourself resonating with these common signs of stress, here's what to do.
* Make a plan - when you aren't stressed out. If both of you are in a place of little stress, plan how you will deal with stress once it increases. Help to identify each other's stressors and stress patterns. Look for ways to reduce stressors before they take over.
* Reduce your stress. You can't help your spouse if you can't help yourself, so identify what reduces your stress. When I feel overwhelmed, I like to go for a run. It's time to decompress, soak in the fresh air and clear my mind. Maybe it's exercise, music or getting in nature. Communicate to your spouse what you need to do to reduce stress. Make sure you both have time to destress and refresh.
* Prioritize your relationship. You are a team. Commit to each other and to ensuring that stress will not take over your relationship. Dr. Michael Mantell, an advanced behavior coach, puts it this way: "Help each other remember you cannot control the uncontrollable, to always look for victory not defeat, to agree to set aside time to talk and be each other's defense attorney, not prosecutor."
* Ask for help. Your partner can't provide for all your needs. Putting that expectation on each other isn't healthy. Sometimes we need help, whether that's a trusted friend or a therapist. Don't be afraid to seek help. Protecting your relationship must be the priority.
Stress is a reality. You can't make it go away, but you can manage stress so that it doesn't kill your relationship. What will you do today to reduce stress in your life?
Mitchell Qualls is the operations director at family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email him at mitchell@firstthings.org.
Mitchell Qualls