Parenting has evolved since I was a kid. But not necessarily because of cultural shifts as much as access to information. Research, blogs and social media have made it easy to access information about how our parenting impacts kids. This information can help us to better understand the long-term impact of our parenting. It also reshapes what this generation sees as good or bad parenting. Parents often search for information to help them when they view their spouse as a bad parent.
Before we look deeper into this, let's clarify what a "bad" parent looks like. If your spouse is emotionally, physically or sexually abusive to your child (or you), this article isn't for you. I strongly urge you to stop reading and seek help. Call the Children's Advocacy Center at 423-266-6918. The following information is not intended for your situation or to condone that type of parent.
For our purposes, let's take a look at the parenting styles to define what a bad parent looks like. There are four main parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. An uninvolved parenting style is typically characterized as being distant with little communication. They may ensure their child's basic needs are met but are involved little beyond that. An uninvolved parenting style is considered bad parenting.
If you think your spouse is a bad parent, you may feel like they:
- Show little or no affection to their children.
- Don't provide emotional support for their children.
- Don't set rules, boundaries or expectations.
- Don't know their child's friends.
- Have no involvement with their child's education.
We have to acknowledge that parenting, like life, has seasons. You may look at this list and say, "Yep, my spouse isn't involved with our child. They're a bad parent." I would ask you two questions first.
- Is this a busy season?
- Do they have a desire to be more involved?
Your spouse may be in a busy season due to work or life demands. I don't want to justify their actions, but there is a difference between a bad parent and a busy parent.
If you think your spouse is a bad parent and you're reading this, you know something needs to change. How do you help them become a more involved or better parent?
- Open the lines of communication.
You recognize there's an issue. You may have to take the first step toward your spouse. A good rule is not to bring up these issues when frustrated. An argument isn't going to bring resolution.
Schedule a coffee date with your spouse. Let them know how you feel without being accusatory. It may be challenging, but using "I" statements to express your feelings is an excellent way to discuss frustrations in a relationship.
Perhaps you could start the conversation like this: "Lately, I've noticed some distance between you and our son. I want to ensure that you're getting the time with him he needs. Is there something I can do to help us get on the same page?"
- Seek to understand.
Our parenting style is often a result of how we were parented, good or bad. Your spouse parents the way they do for a reason. Discuss these questions to dive deeper:
- What were the parenting styles in each of our homes?
- Which patterns do we want to change about how our parents raised us?
- What healthy habits do we want to maintain?
This conversation is as much about your parenting as their parenting. You may gain insight into why your spouse parents the way they do. You may learn something about yourself. This may open up some emotional wounds. If so, don't be afraid to seek help from a coach or counselor.
- Find common ground.
Look for good parenting resources that you can discuss together. Identify the common parenting values in your family. Do you both value responsibility, hard work or helping others? Establish goals for your parenting. What do you want your parenting to result in? Write down the positive parenting contributions from your spouse. Build on these positives.
- Avoid good cop, bad cop.
There will be disagreements over how you both parent, but those are conversations for the two of you. As you and your spouse become better parents together, try to avoid fighting in front of your kids. Present a united front. Remember, you're a team. Your child needs to see that the two of you care for each other and them.
Just because you think your spouse is a bad parent doesn't mean they're a bad person. You can come together and move forward as a family. It's going to take work, some compromise and lots of conversations. The process is worth it for your kids, your marriage and future generations of your family.
Mitchell Qualls is vice president of operations at family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email him at mitchell@firstthings.org.