With the entire world aflutter about Elon Musk potentially buying Twitter, my differently wired brain has been musing on what it would have been like for the most important being in all of history to be on it, namely Jesus himself. And so:
"So explain to me again why I actually need this," Jesus said to John with a distinct sound of skepticism in his voice.
"Because, Lord," John said respectfully, "most of what you do and say, as great as it is, is only seen and heard by a relative handful of people. With Twitter, you will be able to get your messages and your miracles out to a much wider audience, all at once. Just imagine how many more followers you will have and how enjoyable it will be!"
Sure enough, when word got out that Jesus had a profile, he was swamped with followers.
"Excellent!" he said, "John really called this one. So, let's see, what shall my first tweet be? I know; let's do one about hell. Everyone needs to know about that place. Here we go: 'And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments.'"
Within seconds, his post was being swamped with hateful comments. Some of the nicer insults were fanatic, bigot and Bible thumper.
"Whoa!" he said, "what kind of responses are those? All I am trying to do is warn people of the wrath to come!"
"Try something a little less fiery, Master," Bartholomew encouraged. "You'll get the hang of it."
"OK," Jesus said as his thumbs flew across the keyboard, "let's do 'I am the way, the truth and the life: No man cometh unto the father, but by me.'"
That made things even worse. "Uh, can you say 'discrimination?'" came the reply from @wagonwheelsalvation. Then @YaOpenBoi piped in with, "And who do you think YOU are, the Son of God? Smh. #ReligiousBigot.
"Goodness!" Jesus whispered, "people are sensitive on here and actually really hostile! Let me see if I can come up with something that won't get my head bitten off. I know, let's do this one that I told that lady they brought to me in the temple, 'Go, and sin no more.'"
Oh boy, did that ever send the Twitter trolls into a frenzy! "Maybe you should look at the context every now and then," came the snarky comment from @BibleCollegeBoi.
"Context? I was literally there when I said it!" Jesus started to tweet back. But before he could, he was hit with "Judge not!" from another user, a vomiting emoji with #ReligionRuinsEverything from another and "Maybe mind your own bedroom, eh?" from yet another.
"John!" Jesus shouted, "what in the world is this junk? Sure, I have a million followers, but if I didn't know better, I would think all of them are anon accounts run by the devil himself!"
"Don't be discouraged, Lord," John said reassuringly. "You just need to find the right tone for this platform. Keep trying."
So he did. "Let me go away from the subject of sin and judgment," he murmured, "and just say something simple about God. Here we go, 'No man hath seen God at any time; the only begotten Son, which is in the bosom of the Father, he hath declared him.'"
"Wait, what? Did you just gender God as a male?" @ladypastor9875 replied. Then came "Misogyny, much?" from @PronounRanger.
"Good grief!" Jesus shouted, "He's literally my Father; don't you think maybe I would actually know what gender he is?"
With encouragement from his men, he tried again. "Herod is a fox." It was a short, simple tweet, but surely everyone of his day would agree with it. King Herod was a known crook in politics, and by calling him a fox, a small, destructive creature, everyone would know he was calling him out and needfully so. But within seconds came responses like "Maybe stay out of politics" and "When you mix religion and politics, you get politics" and "Stay in your lane, brah," and "You should try to be winsome instead of hateful sometime."
"Fine," Jesus fumed, "I'll do something absolutely innocuous. Here we go, 'I hope I can get some figs today.'" Stunningly, even that brought blowback. "Enjoying the fruits of others' labor; white supremacy, much? Maybe educate yourself, m'kay?"
"Agggggghhh! First off, I'm brownish. Second, even what I want to eat gets ripped on here! What is wrong with you people?!? You want something sweet like candy? Fine! Here, 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.' Are you Twitter people happy now?" But @ReformedWiseBoi was quick to reply, "Actually, he only loved the elect of the world. Maybe crack a book every now and then."
Furious, Jesus stormed over to where John was sitting and scrolling, looked down at him and said, "Lemme take a picture of your cat."
Bo Wagner is pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church of Mooresboro, North Carolina, a widely traveled evangelist and the author of several books available on Amazon and at wordofhismouth.com. Email him at email@example.com.